


part 2

by qweenofasadland



Series: what a tool with your cool leather jacket [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Dealing, Grief/Mourning, Homophobic Language, Insomnia, Multi, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stranger Things Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, post-season 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2020-07-21 06:55:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19997731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qweenofasadland/pseuds/qweenofasadland
Summary: After the events that took place on the 4th of July, Steve Harrington is just trying to cope. Unfortunately, he is failing miserably. Though Steve is supposed to be helping Robin with their job search, his mind is occupied with other things. As a result, he begins to have nightmares. He initially believes it is just a culmination of the guilt he feels. However, could his nightmares be a product of something more sinister?





	1. Chapter 1

Steve replayed the moment he had rammed the Toddfather’s car into Billy’s blue Camaro over and over in his mind. It was all he ever thought about. He couldn’t take it back, he couldn’t apologize. Billy was gone. 

Steve had watched him die. He had watched Billy sacrifice himself. He just sat there and watched.

Not only had he done nothing to prevent Billy’s death, Steve had nearly killed Billy himself. When he had seen Billy slumped over the steering wheel, the Camaro erupting in flames, he asked, “Are you okay?” He didn’t realize he had said it aloud until Robin answered him.

Billy had appeared to still be breathing and with the monster approaching, Steve didn’t have any other choice but to leave him there. 

He fucking hated himself for it. 

Even if Billy had killed him, at least Steve would have done something. He was disgusted with himself for doing nothing. He couldn’t believe he just sat there and idly watched as Billy died for all of them. 

Robin immediately knew that something was wrong when they met up one day. It had been a few weeks but Steve was still grieving. “Hey dingus, when was the last time you got some sleep? You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks,” Steve sarcastically remarked as he rolled his eyes. However, he had seen himself in the mirror and knew he looked awful. His injuries from the Russian assholes had healed but now he was pale and had dark circles under his eyes. 

Robin asked again, “Seriously, when was the last time you slept?”

He hesitated, he actually couldn’t remember. “Umm… I’m not sure. It’s been awhile.”

“What’s on your mind? Does it have to do with me? I feel like such an asshole for letting you go on and on about liking me.”

Steve scoffed. “I didn’t go on and on, you are exaggerating. Anyway, it’s not about that, okay? I – I’m not ready to talk about it though.” 

“Oh, okay. Well, I’m here for you when you are ready.” Robin gave him a sympathetic smile.

He nodded and changed the topic, “So have you had any luck finding us jobs?”

She sharply turned her head towards him. “Are you telling me you haven’t looked at all? You are supposed to be helping too!”

Steve was so tired, his head was fuzzy and he couldn’t remember exactly what he had said. “No – umm – that’s not what I meant. I’ve been looking too, but haven’t had any luck. There were a couple possibilities in the Roane County Flyer but when I called they were already filled.”

“Shit. The Post only had two so far that we would be qualified for but they were also filled. I guess we will just have to keep looking and be quick about it. You might want to throw a resume together in case either of us manage to land interviews.”

Steve sighed. “This sucks. I was hoping to make enough at Scoops over the summer to be able to put a security deposit and first month’s rent into an apartment. I’ll have to go back to working for my dad, for nothing, just so he doesn’t kick me out.”

Robin finished slurping down the rest of her shake. “Surely, he wouldn’t force you to be homeless?”

“Oh, yes he would. He nearly threw me out when he found out that I didn’t get accepted to any colleges. He’s threatened it before too.” Steve’s throat went dry at the memory.

She shook her head. “Parents are assholes, man. If my parents knew about me, I’d be out on the streets too.”

Steve felt the sudden urge to confide in Robin, to tell her why his dad had threatened to kick him out before. He wanted to tell her everything that had happened with Billy. However, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, not yet. It still was too painful to even think about it. 

He could feel his emotions beginning to surface and he attempted to force them away. It was too late though; he could feel the tears starting to well up. Steve couldn’t let Robin see him cry. He quickly stood up and told her, “Speaking of parents, I have to run. I’m supposed to – umm – clean the pool.”

Before she could respond, Steve pulled out some cash to pay for their lunch. “Bye, I’ll see you later.”

With a skeptical eyebrow raised, Robin returned the goodbye and she yelled after him, “And do yourself a favor, get some sleep tonight!”

Later that night, Steve was determined to follow Robin’s advice. Though he was absolutely exhausted, he knew as soon as he lay in bed, he’d be wide awake. To remedy the issue, he decided to take two of his mother’s sleeping pills. About an hour after he took the pills, Steve drifted off to sleep.

_________________________________________________

Steve awoke, choking on a scream that had transitioned from his nightmare into reality. Tears poured down his cheeks as he acknowledged his surroundings. He was relieved to be awake but he couldn’t shake the nightmare. It had felt too real.

He had been in a dark place, reminding him of the tunnels. It was cold and difficult to breathe normally. There was ash or something floating in the air. It was eerily quiet. 

Steve had recognized the house he was in but couldn’t remember to who it had belonged. Not until he saw the bedroom door.

He slowly pushed it open, the creaking sound deafening in the absolute silence. There was someone sitting on Billy’s bed. Steve’s heart had leapt with excitement when he first glimpsed the denim-clad figure, until his eyes landed on his face.

It was Billy. But it was not how he had remembered Billy. It was not how Steve had last seen him. His lifeless corpse, spewing black liquid from his mouth and wounds, could not be compared to the horror of the creature that sat before him. Its flesh was decaying, rotting from its face. The black liquid poured from its eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. 

Steve had stood transfixed on the creature charading as Billy. He was horrified but couldn’t look away. For weeks Steve had wished that he could see Billy again. He cursed himself for stupidly wanting it so badly and receiving this version instead.

Suddenly, the creature had opened its mouth and an inhuman sound emerged. It was something between a gurgle and a shriek. Steve had quickly begun to back away from it but he wasn’t fast enough.

It moved with alarming speed. It was on top of Steve before he could even think of what to do. It smiled a ghastly grin before sinking its teeth into Steve’s shoulder. The pain was excruciating and had felt real. The creature cackled, a gritty clicking, before hissing in Billy’s voice, “You’re mine now.”

That was when Steve had awoken, mid-scream, with sweat drenching his entire body and sheets. His shoulder still seared with pain but when he flipped on the lights and looked at it in the mirror, there was no mark.

He rubbed the tears from his eyes and sat on his bed. There was no way that he was going to be able to go back to sleep. Steve wasn’t sure if he’d ever sleep again.

_________________________________________________

Three days had passed where Steve had only accumulated an hour or so of sleep each night. Every single time he fell asleep, the same or slightly varied nightmare would return. He was an undeniable mess by the fourth day.

He could barely keep his eyes open as he waited in the abandoned parking lot of the former Starcourt Mall. It made him sick to even be here but it was the only place Andy would agree to meet. Just when he was about to pass out, he saw Andy’s red Chevy pick-up truck pull into the lot.

Andy pulled up right beside Steve and they rolled their windows down. “Do you have it?” Steve eagerly asked. “Otherwise I wouldn’t be here man. Twenty bucks.” The price seemed a little steep but he didn’t argue, Andy was trustworthy – as trustworthy as any drug dealer could be.

Steve smoothly handed over the cash and Andy swiftly replaced it with pills. “Careful with those bennies man, they can really fuck you up,” Andy offered up a warning. Steve rolled his eyes. “That’s the point, isn’t it?”

Andy wordlessly shrugged before rolling up his window and driving off. Feeling unbearably drowsy, Steve popped one of the pills in his mouth before heading home. He couldn’t sleep and the little sleep he did achieve was plagued by those horrible nightmares but he somehow had to function.

He figured there was only one solution. Speed. Steve had never even tried it before but he knew a few people that took it to keep the party going 24/7. With that in mind, he assumed it would fix his problem. 

And it did. At least for a few days. 

It was not too difficult for Steve to hide himself away in his room. His parents barely noticed, his mother only asking if he was sick when he was out of his room before noon. Robin was a different story.

She had called, wanting to meet again for their job search. She asked, “Is everything okay? You’re talking, like, really fast.” 

He tried to be cool but his mind was racing, “Yeah, yeah, no, I’m fine. What time did you say for tomorrow?” 

“Dingus, for the tenth time, two! Two pm. Got it?”

Steve confirmed, “Yes, I’ve got it. See you then.”

He was a few minutes late but at least he made it there. He kept losing his focus when he was driving and it was making him anxious. He walked into the diner, quickly finding Robin and sitting across from her.

Her eyes went large as she took in Steve’s appearance. In a hushed murmur, she said, “My god, Steve, what’s wrong?”

Steve nervously pushed his unwashed hair back. “What do you mean?” 

“Don’t bullshit me. Something is very wrong. You – I’m sorry – but you’re a mess. I’ve never seen you like this. Please, tell me what is going on with you.”

He rubbed his eyes and sighed. “I’m fine, I’ve told you I’m fine. I just haven’t slept well. You don’t have to be such an asshole about it.” As he looked up at her, someone behind Robin caught his attention.

“Steve, this is clearly beyond a lack of sleep.” She leaned in close and whispered, “Seriously, are you on drugs or something?”

He scoffed but kept his eyes on the curly blond mullet behind her. “Okay, dad.”

The blond stood up and was about to turn around. Steve didn’t hear what Robin was saying with his entire focus on the young man. She waved her hand in his face but he paid her no mind.

“Hello? Earth to Steve? Are you going to answer me or continue to ignore me? Man, you are super sweaty and pale.”

When Steve saw the man’s face, the haunting image of the Billy in his nightmares, he stood up in disbelief. He looked around, looked at Robin, and then back to the man. The decaying, black bile spewing face was still there and walking towards him.

“Steve, what are you doing?” Robin questioned him with concern. It was the last thing he heard before everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Robin was hovering over him when he regained consciousness. The frigid tile of the diner floor was against his back and his ass was sore. When he remembered what happened he quickly scanned the faces around him but didn’t see Billy. 

“Holy shit, Steve. Are you okay?” Robin fretted. He wasn’t but he couldn’t handle everyone staring at him. 

“I’m fine,” he told Robin but then addressed the others looking at him, “I’m okay everyone, I’m sorry if I scared you all. I – umm – I think I just got lightheaded.” After the crowd departed, he quietly asked Robin, “Can we get out of here?”

“Okay, you just passed out and scared the shit out of me, but sure let’s get out of here,” she sarcastically remarked and then helped him up.

“Can we go to your house?” he asked on the way out. Steve did not want to deal with his parents, not now.

Robin looked puzzled, perhaps because neither of them had been to each other’s house. “I guess. I should warn you though, it’s no casa de Harrington.” 

“What do you mean? You haven’t seen my house.”

“I mean, I know your parents have money. Mine definitely do not so don’t expect too much.” 

“Robin, I’ll probably like your house better than my parents’ ostentatious bullshit that they call home.” 

She rolled her eyes but smiled. “Okay, it’s not too far. I walked here, so we can walk if you don’t mind leaving your car here.”

“Walking is good. I don’t think I should drive right now anyway.” Robin nodded in agreement before she began walking down the sidewalk, with Steve at her side.

They had been walking for about 15 minutes when they turned onto a familiar street. Steve’s heart sank. It was Cherry Street. He stopped, not sure if he could continue. Robin was two drives away when she turned around. “Steve, this is it.”

He tore his eyes away from Billy’s house that was towards the end of the street and looked at Robin’s home. It was small, but the yard was nice and the house was well kept. After hesitating for a moment, Robin asked, “Are you going to come in or just stand here and look at it?”

He chuckled, glanced once more at Billy’s house, and finally put himself into motion to follow Robin inside. As they walked through the door, Steve asked, “Your parents aren’t here, are they?” 

Robin shook her head and chuckled. “No. They are at a family reunion.” 

“Why didn’t you go?”

She picked at her chipped nail polish. “I – it’s complicated. Long story short, I don’t get along with my cousins,” Robin explained as she led him into the kitchen. “I’m starving, do you want some popcorn or chips? I’m pretty sure those are our only options.” 

“Popcorn sounds good,” Steve responded with a smile. Robin put the package on the stove and they waited for it to pop. A couple of silent minutes passed.

_Pop!_

Steve should have expected the sound but he still wasn’t prepared for his reaction. He jumped, covering his ears, reminded of the fireworks. Reminded of what had happened after the fireworks. Robin was looking at him with confusion and he couldn’t handle it. “I’m just going to go – in there,” Steve blurted before leaving the kitchen. 

He waited in the living room with his ears covered, rocking himself back and forth, trying to keep his composure. Steve knew that Robin was going to interrogate him, something that he was not even remotely ready for. He knew that he was going to crack, that he couldn’t hold it all in any longer.

When Robin finally made her appearance with a bowl of popcorn and two cokes, Steve quickly uncovered his ears and sat up straight. “Looks like you have your hands full.”

She paused and gave him an over-exaggerated, angry glare. Steve broke away from her gaze and apologized to the ground. “Sorry, bad joke.”

Robin plopped down on the couch beside him. “Steve, it’s okay. I was just messing with you.”

He sighed. “Oh, okay.” His voice was involuntarily unsteady. Steve could anticipate that Robin was going to ask what was wrong. He breathed deeply in and out, trying to control his emotions. He grabbed a handful of popcorn and stuffed it in his mouth.

While Steve was still chewing and avoiding eye contact with Robin, she finally spoke, “You have to talk to me, Steve. You have to tell me what is going on with you. I’m your friend. I’m here for you, just like you were there for me when I told you that I liked Tammy Thompson.”

“Liked? As in past tense? Thank God for that,” he joked.

“Steve! I’m being serious. Obviously, keeping it to yourself is not working. You aren’t sleeping and you appear to be doing drugs, something other than just pot. I’m worried about you, okay? Please – please just talk to me.” 

He held his breath for a moment and it was very shaky when he finally released it. “I – I’m going to try to tell you. It’s hard for me to talk about it but I’m going to try.” Steve’s voice broke at the end and the tears already began to fall. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. But he had made a promise to Robin.

“You are right. I’ve been taking something. I didn’t think I had another choice though. I couldn’t sleep, not with the nightmares, so I thought they’d help me keep going. They worked, right until I passed out less than an hour ago. I – umm – I think that I had some sort of hallucination, where my nightmare showed itself in reality.”

Robin questioned, “What sort of nightmare?”

_Fuck_. Steve was not prepared for how difficult this was going to be. He wasn’t even sure if he could describe the nightmares to Robin without losing it. Instead of speaking, he grabbed a handful of popcorn and stuffed it in his mouth. 

Robin quietly ate some popcorn herself. Steve swallowed, a hard lump settling in his throat that wasn’t food. He swallowed again, trying to dislodge his nerves. “The nightmares – they have to do with what happened on the 4th.”

She scrunched her brows and pursed her lips in confusion. “About the Russians beating you up or…?” She thought about it for a second and then continued, “About that horribly disgusting monster?”

He shook his head. “No.” Warm tears rolled down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and bit his quivering bottom lip before attempting to speak again. “I – fuck, Robin – I loved him,” Steve sobbed. “I fucking loved him and just let him die!”

Robin wrapped her arm around him and he held on tightly as he cried. “I hurt him, I lied. I didn’t tell him – I never told him the truth. N-n-now he’s gone.”

“Who, Steve? Who’s gone?” Robin quietly pried. 

Her words prompted him to cry even harder. Eventually, he was able to utter his name between sobs. “Billy.” 

“Billy? Billy Hargrove? The douchebag-turned-martyr? You – you were in love with him? Did you two…” Robin trailed off, but he understood what she meant. Steve solemnly nodded. 

Robin remained silent as Steve cried uncontrollably. After some time, he was able to calm down enough to start talking again. “We – we were spending time together. In the spring, not too long before he… died. My dad, he caught us together. He…” Steve had to pause. His emotions were overtaking him again. 

Steve breathed slowly in and out until he had himself under control. “My dad, he threatened to tell Billy’s dad about us. Neil Hargrove would have killed Billy.” 

The painful irony was not lost on Steve, he tearfully laughed before continuing, “So, I lied to Billy.” He started to sob again but managed to finish, “I said I didn’t love him. But I _did_ , Robin. I loved him so much.”

He cried in anguish, “He shouldn’t have died! I could have helped him but I – I fucking hit him with that car! And I watched him die!” He collapsed into Robin and she held him.

In an attempt to comfort him, she softly said, “Steve, there was nothing you could have done. You just would have been killed yourself. There were too many losses that day, losing you would have made it so much worse for everyone. You are so important to those kids, they look up to you. And me? I would have lost my best friend.” 

Steve contemplated, “Maybe I should have died, I would have deserved it. If only I had been there for Billy, I could have prevented all of this from even happening. It’s my fault.”

“Don’t you dare say that, Steve Harrington. None of what happened had anything to do with you. If it didn’t possess Billy, it would have possessed somebody else. People still would have died.”

“Not Billy. He’d still be alive if I had just told him that I loved him!” he cried out.

“Steve, you don’t know that. I’m sorry that he is gone, I can’t even imagine the pain that you are in, but you have to let him go. You have to stop thinking about the what-ifs. In the diner, I was so scared, I was afraid that you weren’t going to wake up. Is that what you want? Is that why you are doing drugs? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

He shook his head but responded honestly, “I don’t know. Maybe? I just miss him so much and I’m just _so_ tired, Robin.” 

“You have to stop taking those drugs and get some sleep,” she instructed.

“But I’m not just physically tired, I was struggling before Billy and I were together. It – he – was the only thing that was helping keep my mind off all that fucked up shit with the Upside Down and everything else. After breaking things off, I threw myself into school – not that it did any good – and working for my dad. I was still not okay but it was bearable. Then, I met you.”

Steve smiled at Robin through his tears. “You made it more than bearable. I was laughing again, I was happy. I started to forget about Billy and the Upside Down.”

She smiled back and placed a hand over his. “In the game we played, you trying to pick up girls, were you purposely failing?” 

He laughed, wiping his eyes. “Yes and no. With some of the attempts, I _was_ actually trying, believe it or not. Over the winter, I guess you could say that I ‘got around’. But after Billy, I just didn’t want anyone else. Or I thought I didn’t. But you were so great and I – I don’t know, I just thought because you were a girl and we were friends – that we could be more than friends.”

Robin slowly nodded her head in understanding. She sighed. “You know, I thought about it. The two of us dating, I mean. I’ve tried to date boys before but I was miserable. However, they weren’t anything like you. I could actually see myself with you and being content, not happy, but content. But, I am so relieved that I didn’t try to pretend with you, especially now that I know about Billy, because it would have hurt both of us.”

Steve tilted his head up and down in agreement but before he could comment on it, Robin rapidly spoke again, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think it might help if you do talk about it. Can you describe the nightmares?”

His eyes had finally dried but he knew that he was going to get emotional again telling Robin about the dreams. Regardless, he wanted to tell her because he also thought it might help. 

“There are some deviations but most of them consist of me walking into Billy’s house and finding him sitting on his bed. At first, I am ecstatic that he is alive. But then I see his face. It’s decayed. Rotting. And that black goo is oozing from his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. I can tell that he isn’t really Billy but I’m frozen with fear. Then it bites me and tells me something along the lines of, ‘You’re mine.’”

Robin grabbed his hand. “That sounds awful, I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with that all on your own. I remember the black goo after… everything and someone explained it.” She shuddered at the memory.

Steve involuntary mirrored her. “I can’t even imagine how he did it. The others _dissolved_ and joined the monster’s body. The insane strength that it must have taken for Billy to fight back and fend the monster off all while that was going on inside him.”

“I think Nancy made a comment, after you had – _oh, Steve_.” Robin squeezed his hand in sympathy. “I should have noticed that it had upset you when you saw Billy. You, like, ran outside.” 

When he recalled that immediate feeling, where his heart had sank to his stomach and the world had stopped in realization of Billy’s death, he became choked up. Sniffling and with an unsteady voice, he elaborated in a strained whisper, “I threw up. And then I cried, I cried really hard, for about a minute. But I managed to get it together just as the rest of you made it outside. What did Nancy say?”

“Right, she said that maybe he was different than the others. That maybe he didn’t eat or drink all of that toxic shit like them. That the Mind Flayer needed him whole or something.” 

Steve silently mulled the information over. He was still processing his resurfaced emotions. Eventually, he nodded. “I mean, it makes sense, but there’s no way to know for certain. Billy and the rest of the flayed are the only ones that knew anything, and who knows exactly what they were even aware of. With every single one of them dead, there are no answers.”

He heavily sighed, his head was getting crowded. “I wish I had less questions. Maybe I wouldn’t be having the nightmares if I had more closure?”

Robin shrugged, “Maybe, maybe not. I personally believe it may have to do with the blame that you are putting on yourself. Which you need to stop doing, okay?”

He bit his lip and despite knowing he would be unable to do so, Steve nodded in agreement. “Okay.” His stomach growled and in response, he ate some of the cold popcorn. With his mouth full, it also voided any opportunity for Robin to press him further about his guilt.

She narrowed her eyes at him in doubt but sighed and started to eat the popcorn too. As she was taking a swig of her coke, because a thought must have struck her, Robin excitedly hummed. After swallowing and slamming the drink down, she expounded, “We should ask that girl with the superpowers, El? Maybe she has some answers?”

Steve shrugged, so subtle it was barely noticeable. “I don’t think so. She told us about his memories, how they helped her get through to him, but she doesn’t have any answers either in regards to the specifics of the flaying.”

“It couldn’t hurt to ask, right? Just in case?” Robin suggested.

He sighed, frustrated with everything. “And what exactly am I supposed to say when she asks why I want to know? As far as anyone else knows, Billy and I hated each other. They all hated him too, so they wouldn’t understand. They don’t care about what happened to him.”

“Max cares. El cares. And I’m sure the others would be able to understand. Billy may have been an asshole but he didn’t deserve what happened to him.”

_Fuck_. Steve tried not to start crying again but once the floodgates had opened, there was no holding back. “They didn’t care enough. _I_ didn’t care enough. If they had understood, they would have helped him. Like they did with Will. But no, they didn’t care if Billy died as long as the Mind Flayer died along with him.” 

He pressed his palms to his eyes to try to stop the tears that were flowing out of them. “I can’t do it any longer. I’m done talking about it, okay? I just don’t have the energy or strength right now.”

Robin placed a light hand on his shoulder, “Yeah, of course. You should really get some sleep. If you want, you could stay here? That way, I will be here for you if you have the nightmare again.”

Steve considered her offer for a moment. He desperately needed sleep and perhaps he would rest a little easier if he weren’t worried about having to explain his screams to his parents. “As long as you are sure it’s okay, I would like to stay here.”

“Yes, I’m sure it’s okay. You can sleep in my little brother’s room. You can go lie down now if you want.”

He was exhausted so he nodded in confirmation. “Yeah, I think I will, but first I had better give my parents a call.”

She tilted her head. “The phone is in the kitchen.”

Standing up, Steve’s tiredness hit him hard. He had to steady himself before he made his way towards Robin’s kitchen. He quickly punched in his parents’ digits. As expected, he got the machine and left a message informing them that he was staying with a friend and left Robin’s number.

After he had left the message, he returned to the living area. Robin stood up at his re-entry. “All good?” He briefly nodded and she declared, “Okay, I’ll show you around real quick and then you can get some rest.”

Robin took him through the house, showing him where her room, the bathroom, and her brother’s room were located. He thanked her and she left him to get settled. 

Steve closed the door but not all the way. He wanted to make sure Robin would be able to hear if he needed her. He was wearing jeans so to feel more comfortable, he took off his pants before climbing into bed. Even though he was in an unfamiliar place and the sheets were scratchy, it did not take any time for Steve to fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Gasping, still feeling the hands constricting around his throat, Steve awoke. He scratched at his neck, desperately trying to breathe. He knew that he was just dreaming but he was still struggling for air. Finally, he was able to draw breath again and sobbed with relief.

Robin must have heard him, because soon after she rushed into the room and flipped on the light. “Steve, are you okay? I heard – oh my god! Did you do that to yourself?” She was looking at his neck. 

He swallowed, his throat sore, and attempted to explain. “The scratches? Yeah, I felt like I couldn’t breathe so I was clawing at my throat.” 

She shook her head. “No, the handprints. There are red marks all around your neck.” 

“Oh. I guess I could have done it to myself? In my nightmare, not-Billy was choking me. I – it felt real. I still felt it when I woke up.” Steve started to tear up, scared about the possibilities that this presented. Either he was doing this to himself, which was a terrifying concept in itself, or the thing in his dreams was real.

He was involuntarily trembling as Robin sat next to him on the bed. She gently examined the marks, her fingers barely brushing his neck. She looked at him inquisitively. “Can I see your hand?”

Steve was puzzled by her question but still provided his hand. Robin took it and delicately arranged it around his throat. “Hmm, that is odd.”

“What? What’s odd?” 

She looked at him, her expression changing from bewilderment to concern. “The handprints, they don’t match yours. The fingers are shorter, wider. And the position that they are in would be impossible for you to do it to yourself.”

Robin removed her hand from his and he let his own fall away from his neck. “No – no, it doesn’t make sense. It’s not possible. It was just a dream. It’s just a coincidence or something.”

She stared at him, her lips twisted in contemplation. “I used to think a lot of things were impossible. I mean, think about it. Is this really that far outside of the realm of possibility after everything we’ve seen, everything you’ve seen?” 

“I – “ Steve was at a loss for words. She was right.

“We are going to talk to El. I don’t want to hear your excuses or protestations. Tomorrow. We are going to talk to her tomorrow. Okay?”

He sighed but agreed, “Okay.” 

Robin eventually left the room but Steve tossed and turned until daybreak. He was apprehensive about speaking to El but his fear and curiosity outweighed those thoughts. He had to figure out what was going on with the nightmares.

Steve wasn’t sure how long he had been waiting for Robin to get up, but she finally made an appearance.

Yawning, she beckoned him, “Come on, dingus. You should take a shower and then we will eat something before heading over to the Byers’.”

He yawned as well before asking, “I thought you said there wasn’t much food here?” 

“Well we aren’t savages, we at least have cereal.”

After Steve took a brief but much needed shower, they each ate a bowl of stale Apple Jacks, mostly in silence. As soon as she finished hers, Robin quickly swiped away Steve’s bowl. “Mmm – hey! I was still eating that!” 

“Too bad, let’s go.” He groaned but by now he knew better than to argue with Robin when she had her mind set. He followed her out the door and they walked back to the diner to retrieve his car. “Can I drive?” Robin cheekily asked.

Steve laughed. “Hell no.” She grinned, knowing the response she would receive, before climbing into the passenger seat. He just shook his head at her before starting the car and heading towards the Byers’. 

The BMW was quiet as they drove through Hawkins. Steve nervously drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, trying to concentrate on driving instead of the million thoughts that were running through his mind. He was absolutely dreading the impending conversation with El. Primarily the part where he may have to explain his relationship with Billy. 

As they neared the road, Steve’s heart was pounding in his ears. He suddenly put on the breaks and put his head against the wheel.

“Steve, what’s wrong?” Robin placed a hand on his back. 

“I don’t think I can do this. It was hard enough talking to you about it, I don’t know if I can do it again. I don’t really know El and I’m just scared, okay?” He fisted his hands into his hair.

“I know, believe me, _I know_. It is scary to tell people about a part of you that you tried for so long to keep secret. But I promise it gets easier with each person you tell. She might not ask and if you don’t feel comfortable telling her, then we can work around it, okay?”

He sighed but nodded, knowing that he had to do this. Steve took a deep breath and eventually lifted his head up, put the car back into gear, and continued towards the Byers’. Robin exited the car first, went over to the driver’s side, and waited for Steve to get out. 

Steve was not able to stop himself from rolling his eyes and smirking. She was going to drag him out of the car if he didn’t get out willingly. He groaned before swinging the car door open and climbing out. As soon as she was certain he was out of the car, Robin turned towards the house and marched forward. 

Steve followed her to the door where she began to knock. After a few seconds, a flustered Jonathon answered the door. “Oh, I was hoping you were Nancy,” he said with disappointment as he held the door open for them to come in. “We have a meeting with the Indianapolis Star in an hour and a half and she was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.” 

Both Steve and Robin entered the house. Steve remarked to Jonathon, “The Star, huh? That’s pretty exciting.”

“Yes, that is if we make it on time. I called her house a while ago and she had left already, I don’t know why she has to drive so slow,” he replied with irritation. Jonathon then looked from Steve to Robin, “Why are you two here?”

Robin looked expectantly at Steve for him to respond but before he could, there was a knock at the door. Jonathon jumped up and ran to open it. “Nancy, thank god. We have to hurry.”

She looked at Robin and Steve with confusion but spoke to Jonathon, “Sorry, I’m late. I couldn’t find my notes anywhere, forgetting I had already put them in the car. Let’s go, we have to be at least ten minutes early.” She quickly waved at Steve and Robin, “Bye guys!”

Jonathon gave a brief nod as well before shutting the door behind him as they left. When they were gone, Steve looked around the house. “Maybe we should have asked if El is even here?” 

Robin gave a small shrug before shouting, “Hey, El! Are you home? It’s Robin and Steve!” After a moment, El and Max left Will’s bedroom and joined them in the living room. “What are you two up to?” Robin questioned the pair of girls.

They giggled and looked at each other, with Max answering, “Makeovers.” Not seeing any visible differences on either the two girls, Steve found it an odd answer but ultimately shrugged it off. 

Robin then declared, “We – well mostly Steve – have to talk to you, El. If that’s okay?” 

El’s brows scrunched together but she nodded. Now staring at Steve, she asked, “What is it that you want to talk about?” Steve anxiously looked at Max, he was uncertain if he would be able to have the discussion with her here. He wasn’t ready for that yet.

Robin must’ve noticed his discomfort. “Umm, Max, is it okay if you go back into Will’s room while we talk to El?” 

Max crossed her arms and raised a brow. “And just why should I do that?” she inquired with defiance. 

Steve finally spoke to her, “Please, Max. I’ll explain later, but I’m begging you, please let us talk to El alone.” 

She dropped her arms from her torso and her haughty attitude morphed into solemnity. “If it has anything to do with Billy, I already know about you two. When I cleaned his room after – I found a Polaroid of you in one of his books. So if that’s what you are so worried about me hearing, then anything else you need to talk to El about can be said while I’m here.” 

Steve was speechless and tried to recall the Polaroid that she was referring to – _oh fuck_. If he was remembering correctly, the photo consisted of him lying on Billy’s bed, naked. He tried to conceal his embarrassment but Robin teased, “Well I can only imagine what kind of photo that was. Hopefully, it didn’t blind you Max.”

Her face was red but she chuckled. “Yeah thank god it wasn’t _that_ bad.”

Mortified, Steve put his hands on his face and groaned, “Okay, I’m just going to go die now.” 

El, who had been quietly observing their conversation, suddenly declared, “I don’t understand what is happening.” 

Her confused remark sent both Max and Robin into a fit of laughter, renewing Steve’s embarrassment. “Will you two please get a hold of yourselves?” he asked with frustration. 

Robin playfully pinched his cheek. “Aww, but it’s so cute when you blush.”

He pushed her hand away and said with more authority, “Seriously, stop!” 

She put both of her hands up and apologized, “Geez, sorry man.” 

He shook his head as he walked over to the couch and sat down. “No, it’s okay. Sorry if I’m being an asshole. What I have to talk about – it’s serious. And it’s just hard for me to deal with you all laughing and then having to talk about this.”

Robin sat down next to him and told him, “No, you are right. I’m sorry for goofing around. El, Max, Steve has something very important that he needs to discuss.”

Max squeezed next to Robin on the sofa and El sat in the chair. Steve took a deep breath before he began to tell them about his dreams. While he described his most recent dream, he showed off the marks on his neck. He asked El, “Does this make sense to you? How is it even possible?”

Her mouth twisted sympathetically. “I – I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve never experienced anything like that? Even when you were in the dream-like place, the umm… the – “

“Void?” El finished for Steve.

“Yeah the Void.” 

She shook her head. “No. It feels like I am hurt but when I come back, I’m okay.” 

Steve sighed with disappointment. “Oh.” He had known not to expect too much but he was at least hoping for some sort of answer. Instead, he received nothing.

El apologized again, “I’m sorry. I wish I could help.” She fidgeted for a moment; Steve could tell that she wanted to say something else so he waited. “Was Billy your… boyfriend?” 

_Shit_. He was dreading a question like that. “Umm…” he anxiously ran his fingers through his hair before continuing, “not exactly.”

Narrowing her eyes, El asked, “What do you mean by ‘not exactly’?”

He sighed, Steve did not know if he could make it through the explanation of the relationship between Billy and himself without getting emotional. Therefore, he attempted to deflect, “I don’t see how this would help figure out why I have handprints on my throat from a nightmare.” 

“It will help me understand,” El pushed. 

He looked at El and Max who were both staring at him expectantly. Robin put a supportive hand on his shoulder and he let out the breath he was holding. Steve began, “Okay. Billy _was_ my boyfriend in everything but name. Like, we didn’t call each other that but we were together. Does that make sense?” 

Max nodded and El told him, “Kind of.”

Steve continued, realizing that he did want to talk about him, “We were… together for a short time. About 3 weeks I think. The first time we – my dad saw us and threatened to tell Billy’s dad. And if his dad had found out…” Steve trailed off and he could tell by Max and El’s features that they knew the possibility of that outcome. 

“We kept things hidden the entire time until my dad found us together again and even tried to get your dad, Hopper, to talk to Billy’s dad, to tell him to stay away from me. I was scared for Billy, but I was also scared for the feelings that I had for him so I broke things off. To get him to hate me, I lied. Said I was just using him.” Steve had to stop, his emotions were bubbling to the surface.

El looked at everyone and asked, “Why did you have to hide? Why would Billy’s dad hurt him because you were together?”

Steve was rendered speechless, he had no idea how to explain it to El. Thankfully, Max picked up the torch. “Though they are absolutely wrong, some people believe that boys can’t love boys and that girls can’t love girls. Because of some stupid people including my asshole stepfather, it was just easier for Steve and Billy to hide. Safer.” 

“Oh,” El softly spoke with realization. “So you lied to Billy, to protect him. You said you didn’t love him, but you did,” she consciously concluded. He nodded with tears in his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. 

“I miss him so much,” Steve lamented.

With her voice shaky, Max confided, “I miss him too. God, he could be such an asshole but I even miss the worst of him.”

In between sniffles, Steve let out a small chuckle. “He was an asshole. But, I would let him beat the shit out of me a hundred times if it meant we could have him back.”

With tears wetting her cheeks, Max said, “He was a dick, all the time. I couldn’t blame him, the way his father talked to him and beat him. When we first moved here, he believed I was responsible and his anger was focused on me. That changed after the incident at the Byers’ last year.”

She continued, “On New Year’s Eve, he came home drunk and burst into my room, apologizing for everything. He started crying, talking about how sometimes he wished he were dead. That sometimes he wished his dad would just get it over with and kill him. I hugged him and he just cried and cried. After that, things were better between us.” 

Not knowing what to say, Steve just nodded his head. Max elaborated, “We didn’t talk that much though. There was so much that I didn’t know. That I still don’t know about him. I knew he was smart and liked to read but I had no idea how creative he was. He had at least four notebooks completely filled up with writing. Beautiful poems, funny and sad stories.”

“Really?” Billy had never told Steve about his writing but now that Max had brought it up, Steve remembered that Billy did scrawl in books every once in a while when they were together. At the time, Steve had accounted it as annotating. 

She nodded and broke eye contact, looking into the distance as she spoke, “Some of the poems, I could tell that they were about someone he loved. He didn’t name you but after I found the photo, it all clicked into place. I have the notebooks hidden in my room if you’d like to read them sometime.”

Through his tears, Steve smiled, grateful for Max’s consideration despite the awkwardness and the sadness behind the situation. “Thank you, I would – I would love to read them.” She gave a weakened smile in return. 

“We could go now, to Max’s house,” El suggested. “Maybe if we go there, I can try to use my powers?”

“Both my mom and Neil are at work. What about Will though?” 

“He can come with us, I will go get him,” El announced as she stood up.

A lump developed in Steve’s throat. He wanted to tell El not to mention his relationship with Billy to Will but he couldn’t find the words. Appearing to read his mind, El said, “I won’t tell him. I will just say you had a bad dream but nothing else.”

He sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

She walked down the hallway and a few minutes later, she reappeared with Will. They all squeezed into Steve’s Beemer and headed to Max’s. 

When they arrived, parking along the street, Steve was unaware that he was trembling until Robin pointed it out. “Steve, you’re shaking. Are you going to be okay in there?” She and Steve were the only two remaining in the car. He nodded but he lacked absolute certainty.

He had to force himself to get out of the car and to go up to the house. He didn’t quite make it inside, stopping at the door. Steve tightly gripped the doorframe to steady himself. He could feel the presence – the _absence_ of Billy’s presence more intensely now that he stood at his door.

A hand rested on his shoulder, causing him to jump – despite knowing it was Robin. “You don’t have to go in if you don’t want to,” she told him in an effort to ease his visible agony.

“No, I need to do this. I just need a minute.” He took a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling and exhaling. He dropped his hand from the frame and straightened his back, readying himself. Without further hesitation, he swung the door open and entered the house. 

It was just like Steve had remembered, just how he had dreamt it. Everyone was waiting in the living room. “Let’s go to his room,” El insisted. 

Apprehensively, Steve followed the group back to Billy’s bedroom. He paused in the doorway. The nightmares crawled into his mind and under his skin. He closed his eyes and tried to picture moments of happiness that he had shared with Billy here. 

It wasn’t working but El’s voice interrupted his intrusive thoughts, “Will? What’s wrong?” He opened his eyes and found Will with his hand clasped on the back of his neck, eyes wide with fear. 

“I – I feel _him_ ,” Will whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:  
> Though I updated the tags to reflect this chapter, I wanted to make sure that you all are aware that suicidal thoughts will be mentioned in the chapter.

“Who?” Steve questioned Will, knowing the response but hoping for any other answer.

Will confirmed his suspicions, “ _Him_ , the Mind Flayer.”

Shaking her head, El muttered, “No, no. No, it’s not possible. He’s gone.” She backed up against the wall, her face paling. “He’s gone, the gate is closed. It’s not possible.”

“I don’t think it matters that the gate is closed. We let him in, he is not going anywhere. But, I think he is weak. I can barely feel him. I didn’t feel him at all until we were here. I think this tells us that Steve’s dreams do mean _something_ ,” Will explained to the small group. 

Out of fear and frustration, Steve demanded, “But what do they mean? What the fuck choked me?” He looked around. Billy’s room, the entire situation was overwhelming. He felt as though he was going to throw up or pass out. Instead he blurted, “And why is it using Billy to torment me? Does it know about us? How I felt about him?”

Suddenly he realized his mistake and looked at Will, who did not appear surprised. Taken aback by his lack of reaction, Steve stared at him blankly. When Will eventually noticed, he innocently asked, “What?”

“How did you know?” Steve interrogated Will as his eyes landed on El.

She shook her head. “No, I promised.”

“I’m sorry Steve, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I left my room to go to the bathroom and I overheard you talking about Billy,” Will confessed.

“Oh,” Steve softly exclaimed. He was mildly astounded that Will seemed completely unbothered by the revelation of his relationship with Billy. “It’s okay, you would have found out anyway.” Though it was stifling outside, Billy’s room was frigid and Steve had an icy chill running down his spine. He wanted to get out of there.

“I can’t stand it in here any longer, I’m going to get some fresh air,” Steve announced and made his way out of the house. Everyone followed him except for Max.

Once they were outside, Will theorized, “I think the Mind Flayer might be using Billy, your memory of Billy, in order to infiltrate our world again. He’s weak and needs another host. I don’t understand how he will do it, but I think he is targeting you Steve.” 

His breath caught in his throat. “So I’m in danger? That, _that thing_ , could possess me? Like it did you and like it did Billy?”

Will nodded but said, “Yeah, but I think it would be different. I still had a part of the Upside Down inside me, that’s how he got me. With Billy and the others, the Mind Flayer used the giant rat monster thing to infect them. I don’t know exactly how it works but I think he has to gain control of something physical in our world. I think he draws his power from the Upside Down though, so with the gate closed, he is too weak for possession. I think you are okay as long as the gate is closed.”

Steve sat down on the curb and rubbed his face. “You are just guessing right? You actually have no idea what it’s capable of, do you?” 

“No, I –“ Will started.

“Oh my God, I’m so _fucked_ ,” Steve lamented as he twisted his hands in his hair. 

Robin sat next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Steve, it will be okay. We are all here for you. We are not going to let anything happen to you, okay?”

He violently shrugged her hand off and jumped up. “Why not? Why would you all try to protect me? I don’t deserve it. Just do me a favor if that _thing_ possesses me, kill me. Don’t hesitate, just fucking kill me, okay?” 

Steve refused to look at them and see all of their reactions. He turned and started towards his car. “Steve! Wait!” Max called after him. She must have came out of the house after his outburst. He stopped but didn’t turn around. She stepped in front of him holding several notebooks. “They’re Billy’s. I thought you might like to have them.”

“To keep?” he asked as he took the notebooks from Max who nodded. Steve disagreed, “No, I think you should have them. I’ll read them and then give them back, okay?”

“Are you sure? Some are about me and other stuff but there is a lot about you in them,” she asked, though Steve could tell that she wanted the notebooks.

He shook his head. “No, you should have them. You were his sister and closer to him when he… well, you know.” Steve thought that if he had a sibling, even a stepsibling, and they had died, he would want to hold on to everything they left behind too.

Max gave him a small smile before telling him and the others, “I’m just going to stay here at home, I wasn’t supposed to leave the house today anyway.”

Steve briefly nodded before continuing towards his car, getting into the driver side, and waiting for the others to follow. Robin walked over to his window and he rolled it down. “I’m going to go home right now and it’s cool if you want to stay over again tonight, you’d just have to leave early because my family will be back tomorrow.”

“Okay, I’ll call you later and let you know,” he told her before cranking the window back up. If he were being honest with himself, Steve was nervous about staying in Robin’s house again. He was worried that something similar or worse than being choked could happen. He waved goodbye and looked to make sure both El and Will were in the car. “Seatbelts!” he demanded before driving off. 

The tension in the car could be cut with a knife. Steve kept sighing, wanting to say something but then not being able to. Suddenly El piped up from the passenger seat, “We should have cared more.” 

Caught off guard by the eerie coincidence that he was thinking the same thing, Steve stuttered, “W-what?”

He turned towards her and her big brown eyes held a great deal of seriousness, “We should have cared more about what happened to Billy. Tried harder to help him. But it’s already happened. We can’t fix it now. But Max, she is still hurting too and her stepdad is a bad man. The worst. You don’t want our help, that’s okay. But Max _needs_ protection. We –“ her voice faltered as she became emotional.

Steve glimpsed at her and saw that she was crying. He nearly asked her what was wrong but she continued, “We’re moving. Mrs. Byers, Jonathon, Will, and me. As soon as Mrs. Byers finds a job and a house, we are moving to Maine.”

He almost slammed on the brakes but stopped himself. “What? When did this plan happen? Does Mike know? Does Nancy?”

El shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that with us gone, there is just you, Lucas, Dustin, and Robin. You all have to care for her, you have to protect Max. And you, Steve Harrington, you are almost a grown-up and you have to be in charge. _You_ have to protect Max, okay? You can’t die. You have to be here for her, understand?” She was crying but her words were loud and commanding.

Steve swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay, I promise to look after Max. I won’t let anything happen to her.” 

El added, “You promise to not do anything stupid, to not get yourself killed?”

He looked at her quickly and directly, saying with conviction, “I promise.” He suddenly felt immensely guilty for wanting to die, but the desire was still present. Regardless, he meant to keep his promise for as long as Max lived with Neil Hargrove.

After the daunting conversation, Steve dropped both Will and El off before he went to his own house. He was eating a bologna sandwich in the kitchen when his father suddenly walked in. It was the middle of the workday, so Steve was taken by surprise. “Dad, what are you doing here?”

Mr. Harrington gazed at his son with similar perplexity. “I could ask you the same thing. I left some papers here that I need for a meeting later this afternoon. But, while I’m here, I think we should have a brief conversation.”

Steve sighed. “I swear, I’m looking for a job and if I can’t find anything by the end of next week, I will go back to work for you.”

“Well that was part of what I wanted to discuss and since that’s all cleared up, there is one other thing that I wanted to talk to you about,” Mr. Harrington said as he moved closer to Steve. “I think it is better if we talk sitting down in the living room.”

Starting to become nervous, he apprehensively agreed with his father, “Okay.” Once they sat down, Steve asked, “What is it?”

“I know that boy died, the one you were messing around with. It’s a terrible tragedy, it really is. However, I am hoping that there will be a positive outcome from all this, that you can move on from the atrocities the two of you committed. I know that my son is no homosexual, that it was just experimentation. That being said, I expect there to be no _further_ experimentation. You need to find a nice girl, someone like Nancy Wheeler, to settle down with. I have to grab those papers and get back to work but have I made myself clear?” Mr. Harrington sternly imposed his question onto Steve as he stood.

Steve was shaking with rage. His father had not addressed Billy’s death in any manner up until this point. He had even seen Steve collapsed on the floor, sobbing, after Billy’s small and brief funeral and said nothing. Steve was disgusted by the way that his father was referring to his relationship with Billy.

Gathering the courage, Steve stood up and angrily commented on his father’s words, “’Positive outcome’? You do realize that this wasn’t someone getting fired right? Billy – a ton of people – they all lost their lives and you don’t give two fucks. The only thing you care about is whether or not I am an embarrassment to you.”

He was still angry, but frustrated tears began falling. “And ‘experimentation’? That doesn’t even begin to describe what we had together. I _loved_ him, more than I ever loved Nancy Wheeler. And if that makes me a homosexual, then guess what? I’m fucking gay, dad!”

Steve was not expecting the blow that hit him square in the jaw. The metallic taste of blood was in Steve’s mouth; the inside of his cheek must have gotten cut against his teeth. He brought a tentative hand up to his sore face and looked at his father in shock. His father had never even spanked him, instead punishing Steve by confining him to a room or taking something away. His father striking him was something completely unfathomable.

Mr. Harrington continued to look at his son in disgust as Steve gaped at him. He then screamed at Steve, “You will never _ever_ say those fucking lies again! Do you understand me?”

Steve was finished with cowering in his father’s presence. He wasn’t going to stand down any longer. “They aren’t lies. ‘Lies’ are when you tell mom that you have to work late and really you are just fucking your secretary.” As soon as the words tumbled out of his mouth, Steve immediately regretted it.

Though he expected a more significant reaction, his father simply turned on his heel and exited the room. After a few minutes, Steve heard the front door slam shut, indicating that his father had left the house. He let out a sigh of relief, finally feeling free to leave the living room. He went upstairs and took a shower. 

As he walked in his bedroom, wearing boxers and drying his hair with a towel, his eyes landed on Billy’s notebooks that were lying on his bed. His parents wouldn’t be home for several hours, so Steve figured he had plenty of time to read through at least one or two of them.

The first notebook was from when he first arrived in Hawkins. There were several angry poems, a few short stories – mostly making fun of the girls at school, and there were a couple of journal entries. The most notable was Billy’s description of their first meeting.

_Halloween 1984_

_I had heard the name and the stories but I hadn’t actually met the guy. We didn’t have any classes together, which I accounted as him being a year older and in less advanced courses than me. Tommy H. referred to him as a moron, but considering Tommy is as dumb as they come, I didn’t take him for his word. Even without meeting the infamous “King” Steve Harrington, I had this urge to outdo him, to be better than him. To take his crown. It didn’t take long before all of these hick losers were fawning over me. Girls kept asking me to make sure I was attending Tina’s party and considering it was where everyone else was going to be, of course I showed up. Tommy H. and the rest of the dumb jocks practically begged me to do a keg stand. Afterwards, they informed me that it beat King Steve’s record. The losers were ecstatic and I had to admit that I was quite satisfied. Inside the house, I easily determined who Harrington was. He was tall but not that tall, it was mostly hair. Dark brown hair all coiffed up, I could see why the girls went on and on about it. He had Ray Bans on, dressed like Tom Cruise in that ridiculous movie about the prostitute, so I couldn’t make out his face too well. He looked like he was having a good time but that mousey girlfriend of his kept frowning. Tommy started talking to him and I knew that was my in, my opportunity to finally meet this guy everyone seemed to adore. I made my way across the room and Tommy made the introductions. Harrington whipped off his glasses, trying to show some sort of aggression, but as soon as I saw those brown, Bambi eyes, I knew he wasn’t much of a threat. We just managed to stare each other down for a minute before he started to look around for his girlfriend. Tommy pointed her out by the punchbowl and made some stupid remark, eliciting a scowl from Harrington and then he rushed over to her. Tommy went on and on about him being pussy whipped. Later on, the girlfriend was drunk and Harrington looked like he was trying to get her to slow down, the two of them having a tug-of-war with her cup of punch. The drink suddenly flung all over the girl’s white shirt and the look on her face was priceless. I couldn’t help but laugh over the hilarity of the situation. She stormed off and he followed her. After a few minutes, he reappeared looking very upset and slammed the door as he left the party. I tried to get back to enjoying myself but I couldn’t help but feel for the guy as his girlfriend left with that weird, moody guy who always carries around a camera at school. She seemed much happier, drunk and absolutely giddy, as the camera kid dragged her away from the party. Clearly there is something going on with those two. I pity Harrington who seems head over heels for the girl. There is just something about him that intrigues me, I can’t really put my finger on it but I haven’t stopped thinking about the guy since I first noticed him across the party last night._

The rest of the notebook had a few sad poems. One was about his mother abandoning him and another was about feeling empty inside. The final poem seemed to allude to being attracted to men but it wasn’t obvious unless you knew what you were looking for. 

Curious, Steve quickly scanned the other notebooks, trying to find the most recent. He was looking for writing between their breakup and his death. It didn’t take too long for him to find what he was searching for.

_Starcourt Satan_

_The shiny new mall is nothing but hell  
Where mallrats frequent day and night_

_Garbage food and cheap perfume smell  
Combined with the fluorescent light_

_It stands to nauseate and infuriate  
But nothing makes me sicker_

_Than the king of this hick state,  
None other than Beelphegor_

_Known as “Lord of the Gap”  
The Satan of Starcourt _

It was not what Steve had expected. The poem indicated that Billy did truly did hate him and the end and Steve was sad all over again. He knew that he was pitying himself, that it was his fault Billy hated him, but yet he couldn’t stop from being upset about it. He cried for a little before continuing to look through the notebook. 

He read about the meaning behind Billy’s tattoo, that he knew he was going to die one day and it was to remind him not to let his past or anything else get in the way of enjoying life. The next thing he read was a poem that seemed to be full of metaphors for unsatisfactory sex. Then there was a short humorous piece, chronicling the seduction of an older married woman just for entertainment.

With only one final piece of writing left, Steve took a minute to gather some strength before looking at it. His initial inspection revealed that it was another journal entry. 

_July 1985_

_I’m not sure what day it is anymore. This thing has gotten inside my head, controlling me. There are only a few moments that I have completely to myself like right now. I’m trying to quickly write this before it discovers me. It wants me to hurt everyone. I used to not care, I used to want to hurt people too. But not like this. Not to this extent. It’s using me, using the others, to destroy Hawkins and probably the rest of the world. El, that strange girl, it hates her and knows that she can destroy it. I tried to talk to her, to Max, but it knows what I’m trying to do. It stops me before I even have a chance. I’ve done bad, terrible things. I just want it all to stop. I wish someone could make it all stop. I’m not afraid to die, I know it is coming and I’ve accepted it. I have so many regrets though. The biggest being the mistake of my life, how I got myself into this mess in the first place. It started as a game and I didn’t actually think anything would come of it, but it went too far. I never knew that she would agree to meet me at the motel, all of it being a cruel prank to get back at her daughter. For hurting him. God, why am I such an asshole? If I were a decent person, I currently wouldn’t be dragging people to their death for some otherworldly creature! I could have been happy with him. If I would have fought harder, been more insistent, he could have grown to love me. I tried so hard to forget him and move on but it was impossible. If I had spent that time trying to get him back, probably none of this would have happened. If someone else reads this, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I hurt so many people, most of it being completely my fault. I love you Mom and Dad. I love you Max and Susan. And Steve, I never stopped loving you. Goodbye._

Steve’s tears began to wet the pages of the notebook as he read the final lines, so he quickly shut it and clutched the book against his chest as he sobbed. He slid down off of the bed and curled up into a ball on the floor. He hated himself for letting Billy feel so alone and die thinking Steve didn’t love him when all along, Billy still loved him. How could Billy still love him after Steve had done such a terrible thing to him? After Steve had ripped his heart to shreds?

In a state of near hysteria, Steve yelled, “Coward! I’m a fucking coward! A piece of shit coward!” He banged his fists against the ground and screamed in agony. He continued hitting his hands on the floor until they were bruised and bloody and his throat was raw. He could have kept Billy safe if he had simply told Billy how he really felt. If he had stood up to his father. Instead, his cowardice had killed Billy.

In this moment, Steve wanted nothing more but to join Billy in death. He couldn’t stand being in a world without Billy. As much as he wanted to go to his mother’s medicine cabinet and swallow every pill she owned, the promise he had made El nagged at him. It was the only thing that was holding him back. The concept not only aggravated Steve but it also frightened him. He hadn’t realized the disregard he held for his own life until now. How easy it seemed to just snuff it out. 

His fear surrounding the fragility of his life in his own hands slowly began to fade into numbness. Though he wanted nothing more than to die, he had made a promise and intended to honor that promise. Steve told himself that once Max was in college or at least out of Neil Hargrove’s house, then he would be free to leave this empty world behind.

But for now, Steve stood up and hid Billy’s notebooks in a hole behind the loose baseboard where he kept his pot and pills. With that sorted, he sighed remembering that he was an asshole to Robin earlier when she was just trying to be supportive. He gave her a call, apologized, and confirmed that it was okay if he stayed the night with her. There was no possible way that he could handle staying in his own house, not after what had happened with his father. 

While he grabbed a change of clothes, Steve’s mind drifted back to Billy’s final entry. Something else about it was nagging at him but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. As he climbed in his car and turned the key, it hit him like a ton of bricks. _Mrs. Wheeler_. Nancy’s fucking _mom_. 

In his state of rage and upset, Steve did not even realize until he was in the driveway that he had driven to the Wheeler’s instead of Robin’s house. It was as though all of his inhibitions were turned off. Some other force beyond his control carried him out of his car and up to the doorstep. He rang the bell.

Karen Wheeler answered the door. She looked different than what Steve had remembered her as. Her dull brown hair was now bleached and teased. She no longer was wearing ultra conservative “mom” clothes; she had on a contemporary and slightly revealing green dress. Though she had always been attractive, she no longer held the same sadness and boredom behind her eyes. She was practically glowing.

Seeing this change in her appearance only fueled Steve’s rage. Without any niceties, he questioned, “Who else is here?” 

Though she was surprised by who she had opened the door for, Mrs. Wheeler immediately answered, “Nancy and Jonathon are in Indianapolis.”

Curtly, Steve probed further, “Is your husband here? Mike or Holly?”

“No, it’s just me,” she quietly answered as she shut the door a fraction of an inch, looking slightly disconcerted.

Noticing her apprehension, Steve put his hands up innocently. “Sorry, it’s just that I wanted to talk to you about something and it would be better if we spoke in private.”

Her face relaxed and she smiled. “Oh, of course dear. Come on in.” 

As soon as the door shut behind the two of them, Steve let out a sigh and allowed his false friendly composure to drop. He stared the slight woman down with intensity before eventually demanding, “Mrs. Wheeler, I’m curious as to why you would let me in? What would I, an eighteen-year-old boy, have to talk to a woman in her thirties about in private?”

Alarm quickly appeared on Mrs. Wheeler’s face and she took a step away. “I – I thought it might have been about Nancy. What is it that you want Steve?”

He crossed his arms and began pacing around the foyer. “What I want is for you to answer my questions. Why are you suddenly so happy?”

“What do you mean?”

Irritated, Steve said, “Oh come on! You seemed so miserable before, so what prompted your newfound happiness?”

She took another step back and sat on the steps. “I just don’t understand why you would want to know. I guess I – I just realized how important my family is. How much my husband loves me despite not showing it.” As she said the second part, a blush formed on her cheeks. 

Steve, feeling a burst of mania, cruelly queried, “And what exactly made you realize that?”

Mrs. Wheeler clasped her hands in her lap and stuck her chin out. “I really don’t think that is any of your business.”

Laughing viciously, Steve dropped to his knees and stared into her eyes. “I don’t think it was any of your business fucking someone half your age but sometimes we stick our noses where they don’t belong, isn’t that right Mrs. Wheeler?”

She smacked him hard across the face but he just continued laughing. “So tell me, was it worth it? Was having an affair with Billy worth him dying?”

Mrs. Wheeler’s jaw dropped and then she clutched her hand against her chest. “I don’t know where you got this idea, yes there was flirtation, but I _never_ slept with him. I entertained the idea but I came to my senses. I knew it was wrong and I’m sorry, I truly am, but I don’t understand why you would think I had anything to do with his death or why you would care? I thought you two hated each other?”

His eyes were tearing up despite trying to remain angry. “Did he say he hated me? And obviously, it was more than flirtation. You agreed to meet him. If he hadn’t gone to meet you at the motel, he would still be alive! And guess what? He wasn’t even interested in you! He did it as some cruel joke, to prove that he could.”

She sighed and started crying herself. “I did agree to meet him and he was angry the next day but… I don’t see how you can blame that on his death? What are you trying to get out of all this? To hurt Nancy? Or is it some sort of jealousy?”

“Jealousy?” Steve scoffed. “No, I’m not jealous of _Billy_. And it’s not to hurt Nancy either. I won’t tell anyone, I just wanted answers. Why you would even think about pursuing something with him in the first place? I know it doesn’t make sense and I can’t explain it, but something happened to him on his way to meet you and ultimately it did lead to his death. I’m not blaming you directly; I just wanted you to feel some shred of responsibility for your actions.”

Mrs. Wheeler sobbed, “I – it just felt so good to be noticed again and I let that feeling distract me from what was right. I made a mistake and I do feel responsible for the hurt that I caused and could have caused. I would take it all back if I could but I can’t and I’m sorry.” She begged, “I’m so sorry, Steve please, please don’t tell my family.”

Sniffling, Steve shook his head. He began to feel ashamed for confronting her like this, realizing that it was an attempt to deflect the blame from himself. He stood up and told Mrs. Wheeler, “No, I won’t tell anyone. I swear.” With tears wetting his cheeks and his voice trembling, he apologized, “ _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t have come here; I shouldn’t have put this on you. I – I’ll leave now, I’m sorry.”

Before he could make it out the door, Mrs. Wheeler caught him by his elbow. “Steve, wait. If you need someone to talk to, about anything, I’m here. Okay?”

He nodded and appreciated the sweet gesture but knew that he could not talk to her about “anything”. Therefore, he would never take her up on the offer anyway. Steve left the Wheeler house and on the way to Robin’s, his mind drifted between feeling shame and relief.

When he arrived at Robin’s, he immediately vented about Billy’s writings but left out any mention of the situation with Mrs. Wheeler. He felt better after talking to Robin but he was still feeling raw and empty inside. Steve told himself that eventually he would be able to move on from Billy and his death but he wasn’t sure he believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255


	5. Chapter 5

###### Four Months Later

It was the middle of December and thankfully the weather hadn’t been too bad. However, Steve was watching the sleet fall outside of work and was dreading having to scrape the ice off of his car after his shift.

Steve and Robin had been working at Family Video for a couple months and had quickly settled into their jobs. They worked together as often as they could and spent a lot of time goofing around. But tonight, Steve was the only one working. It had taken a long time for Keith to trust him enough to let him work alone. 

He was currently tapping his foot against the cashier’s desk. It was getting close to his usual time and Steve was getting nervous. There was a regular customer that he had started to grow fond of. And it was more than that – he was attracted to him. His chest still tightened at the thought of Billy but the nightmares had vanished. He thought it was time to try to move on.

Suddenly the bells jingled, indicating that a customer had entered. Steve looked up and it was him. Theo. He nearly filled the entire door frame with his tall and broad build. He was muscular, not overly so, and his wide shoulders narrowly tapered into his waist. His blond hair was cut short and he was clean-shaven.

Steve immediately brightened when his eyes met Theo’s. Despite his intimidating appearance, Theo was kind and soft-spoken. A delicate blush formed on his cheeks as Steve smiled at him. “Hey Theo!” Steve warmly greeted him with an enthusiastic wave.

Theo smiled back and gave a small nod of acknowledgement. He began browsing the aisles and Steve carefully watched him, hoping no one else would come in. It did not take long for Theo to pick a film. He slowly approached the cash desk, film in hand. He placed it on the counter and Steve glanced down at it before remarking, “ _Singin’ in the Rain_ again? How many times have you seen it?”

Softly chuckling, Theo told him, “God knows, has to be over 20 at least. Have you seen it?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, when I was a kid. I don’t remember much of it.” 

“You should rewatch it then,” Theo suggested as he handed over the cash for the VHS tape.

With his heart beginning to pound, Steve saw his opportunity. “Well, ugh – maybe we could watch it together some time?” 

Theo smiled from ear to ear. “Like a date?” Too nervous to speak, Steve could only nod in response.

Though he was still smiling, Theo took a step back and looked surprised. _Fuck_. Steve was convinced he had messed up, misread their chemistry, and had crossed a line that you weren’t supposed to cross in a place like Hawkins. Unless you wanted to get beat up. He anxiously waited for Theo to respond.

“Okay, yeah that would be great. Wow! I’m sorry; I’m just so shocked. I had no idea that there was anyone else here. I thought you were flirting with me but you can never just assume, right? Are you free later tonight?”

Steve sighed in relief and nodded. “Yeah I get off in…” he checked his watch, “About an hour.” 

“Sounds good! Do you have a pen and paper?” Theo asked and Steve handed over a page from a notepad along with a pencil. As he wrote, Theo told him, “This is my address and my number in case anything changes.” He slid over the paper to Steve and smiled. “See you later.” 

As soon as Theo left the store and completely out of sight, Steve quickly threw his fists into the air in a burst of excitement. He had never envisioned it going that well and he had been terrified that Theo would not only reject him but also out him to the rest of the town. 

Steve anxiously waited for his shift to end. There were no other customers after Theo and Steve took the opportunity to perform his closing duties early. He returned movies back to their shelves, swept the floor, and made sure the cash register was in order. Steve sat and gazed at his watch, the time moving excruciatingly slow. 

As soon as the time read ten o’clock, Steve jumped up. He hurriedly locked the front door and clocked out before turning off the lights and exiting out of and locking the back door. He pulled the paper out of his pocket and read it again, though he had already memorized both Theo’s address and number. 

Interesting enough, Theo’s house was in the same neighborhood as Carol’s house. Steve had been here thousands of times but couldn’t recall ever seeing Theo around. Though Theo was four years older, Steve had known him by name. He had been popular; he had been class president and upperclassmen were still talking about him when Steve had made it to high school. 

Theo’s house was slightly on the outskirts of the neighborhood, a larger and more modern home to its counterparts. Theo had mentioned that he was taking a break between graduation and law school, staying with his parents in the meantime. Steve parked in the driveway and took a deep breath before getting out of his car. He knocked on the door and waited.

Within a few seconds, the door swung open and Steve was greeted with Theo’s smiling face. Steve couldn’t help but return a glowing grin. “Hey, you made it!” Theo brightly exclaimed. 

Steve nervously laughed, “Yeah I did! Nice house by the way.” It had been so long since he had been on a date that Steve was feeling awkward and insecure. Especially, considering that he had only ever dated one other guy. He was worried about messing it up. 

Theo shrugged. “Yeah it’s pretty cool I guess. I miss my shitty college apartment though. Moving back here has definitely been an adjustment. The living room is this way.” He nodded his head to the left before turning and walking in that direction. Steve followed him.

The living room was large and contained modern sculptures, a slick black leather couch, an avant garde coffee table, and a custom entertainment console that matched the décor. Theo gestured to the couch. “Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to go make us a bowl of popcorn. Do you want a beer?”

Steve nodded and told Theo, “Yeah that would be great, thanks!”

After a few minutes, Theo returned with the popcorn and two beers. He smiled as he sat them in front of Steve on the coffee table. After turning on the TV, he slid the tape out of its sleeve and inserted in into the VHS player. Remote in hand, he sat down next to Steve on the couch with about a foot between them.

Though they weren’t in extreme proximity, Steve still managed to get nervous. He anxiously swallowed the lump in his throat and grabbed a handful of popcorn to distract himself as the opening credits rolled. 

As the movie played, Steve paid less attention to the film than he did to Theo. He found himself in awe of Theo’s excitement over his favorite parts of the film, quietly but merrily singing along and explaining the scene in full. Steve couldn’t help but find him adorable. But at the same time, he couldn’t stop comparing him to Billy.

Between the two of them, they had downed a total of 9 beers in the duration of the movie. Steve had apparently lost his tolerance, not drinking for several months, so he was feeling the effects more than usual. Theo was also becoming slightly intoxicated, getting more physical. He was constantly touching Steve’s shoulder and eventually scooted closer so that their legs touched. 

The sensation was distracting and Steve started to lose the inhibition that was keeping him from making a move on Theo. The movie was close to the end and Steve desperately wanted to kiss Theo. However, as soon as the credits appeared, Theo asked him, “What did you think?” 

Taken off-guard, Steve muttered, “Yeah, yeah it was good. Really good. I can see why you watch it so much.”

Theo playfully shoved him as he laughed. “You’re so full of shit! I can tell, you didn’t like it at all did you?”

Steve grasped Theo’s arm that had shoved him. “I did like some of it, I swear. Would I choose to watch it though? Probably not.”

Theo rolled his eyes. “I knew it! What did you like about it?”

“Umm… the part where they were… singing… in the rain,” Steve said before laughing at his own joke.

With exaggeration, Theo flung himself backwards onto the couch in exasperation. “Seriously? Please tell me you are kidding!”

Steve nodded with a huge grin on his face. “I just wanted to see your reaction. The movie was good but I admit that I liked watching you watch the movie more than movie itself.”

Theo smiled brilliantly before leaning over Steve. He fisted his hand into Steve’s hair, gently tugging so that Steve’s head tilted upwards. Theo slowly brought his lips to Steve’s and gave a brief kiss, leaving Steve wanting more. As Theo pulled away, Steve grasped the collar of his shirt and kissed him back. Without realizing that he was doing it, Steve imagined that Theo was Billy instead.

He didn’t become aware of it until Theo delicately pushed him away and spoke, breaking the illusion, “I don’t think I’ve ever been kissed like that before.” 

Embarrassed, Steve scooted out from under him and apologized, “I’m sorry.”

“No, no. I liked it. _A lot_ ,” Theo said before resuming his position straddled over Steve’s lap. The uncomfortable tension that Steve was feeling began to evaporate as Theo continued to make out with him. Unfortunately, Steve’s mind kept drifting back to Billy and as Theo started to unbutton Steve’s jeans, Steve came to the conclusion that he wasn’t ready to be intimate with someone who wasn’t Billy – at least not yet.

He grabbed Theo’s hand and told him, “Wait, I’m sorry but would it be okay if we took things slow?” Theo appeared slightly taken aback but nodded as he pulled away. Steve quickly sat up and put a hand to Theo’s cheek. “We don’t have to completely stop, I’m just not ready to have sex.” 

As Steve traced his thumb across Theo’s bottom lip, Theo chuckled. “I’m happy to wait until you are ready but you do realize you are not making this any easier right? The more we kiss, the more that I will want all of you.”

In response, Steve gave him a passionate, long kiss before gently pushing him away. “I promise that it will be worth the wait,” Steve told Theo before standing up. Feeling a little anxious he added, “I should probably get out of here. I had a good time and I’d like to do this again, that is, if you want to too?”

Theo smiled wide. “Well, obviously! I like you – I’m not just trying to get in your pants. I’m always free so anytime that you want to get together works for me.”

Steve nervously ran his hands through his hair. “It’s – umm – it’s okay if you don’t want to, but I was wondering… would you want to go out? Like on a proper date and everything?” He stared at Theo as he waited for him to say something. 

“I’d love to go out with you, but are you sure? I’ve been on public outings with guys in college but never here in Hawkins. I’m sure though by now, everyone has found out through the grapevine that I’m gay. No one knows about you though, right? Are you sure you are ready for basically the whole town to know?”

Mulling it over for a bit, Steve concluded, “Well, the most difficult thing was dealing with my father. He had known for a while – walked in on me in bed with… a boy – but refused to believe that it had meant I was gay. Eventually, there was a huge blow up between us and I think I finally got through to him. So, after all that, I think anyone else knowing would be a walk in the park.” 

Theo nodded. “Okay, as long as you are sure.”

“Okay so does dinner and a movie, a _new_ movie, sound good? I have Thursday off, if that would be a good day for you?” Steve suggested.

“That’d be perfect,” Theo said with a smile. “Also, you have my number right? Call me, okay?”

Steve smiled back. “Okay, I will.” Theo walked him to the door and gave him a quick but sweet kiss before saying goodbye.

______________________________________________

Steve called Theo the next day, despite feeling it was too sudden. It was just Sunday but there was something that he wanted to talk to him about. After he had departed Theo’s, Steve had come to the realization that it was a little soon for them to date so publicly. However, Steve did not feel this way because he was worried about what others would think – it was that he hadn’t told Dustin or the rest of the party and he didn’t want them to hear it from someone else.

He explained to Theo why he was feeling apprehensive about their date; that he had friends who he wanted to tell beforehand. Theo was very understanding and reassured him that if Steve was unable to tell them, that they could either reschedule or plan to have a private date. 

However, on Monday, Steve had gathered up enough courage to call Dustin and Lucas. He offered to pick them up from school the next day and take them over to Mike’s house. They accepted and Steve uneasily waited the hour until he would see them. 

Thirty minutes before the high school let out, Steve went and sat in the car to mentally prepare himself for the conversation by talking to himself for about 20 minutes. He kept a cautious eye on the time and left accordingly, despite suffering from paralyzing anxiety. 

Lucas and Dustin fought a bit for the front seat, until Lucas resigned and sat in the back. “Well if it isn’t my favorite person!” Dustin exclaimed as he hopped in the car. 

Steve chuckled. “Hello kids, how was school?” 

Dustin groaned. “Oh you know, just complete hell. I’m absolutely thrilled this is the last week before winter break. I can’t wait to see Susie for Christmas! And Will and El of course!”

Nodding, Steve remarked, “That’s right, you guys will all be together for Christmas. I’m shocked that Susie’s parents are actually bringing her.”

“Me too!” Dustin agreed. He must’ve picked up the slight sarcasm that Steve had given off because Dustin then commented, “You know you are invited to Christmas, right? You are one of us, whether you like it or not Steve.” 

Steve scoffed. “I mean, I thought I was, but no one had actually asked me to come so I wasn’t exactly sure that I was invited.” 

“ _Steve_ ,” Dustin scolded, “you should have known that you are invited!”

He just shrugged and realizing that they only had a few more minutes in the car before they reached the Wheelers’, he decided to blurt out what he wanted to say. “I have to tell you two something and I’m hoping it won’t change anything. I – I’m gay.”

Silence followed his announcement until eventually Lucas laughed. “Wait, this is a joke isn’t it? I’ve got to give it to you Steve, that was pretty convincing.”

Flustered, Steve explained, “No, it’s not a joke. I’m gay, I like guys! Robin, Max, Will, and El already know. I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you three but I didn’t know how and I didn’t think it would have to come up. But, I have a date and I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”

“I’m sorry Steve, it is just hard to process it. All of your advice on girls, it’s hard to imagine you liking guys. But, I believe you and I support you. You should have told us before though, I can’t believe you told everyone else before me! Like Lucas and Mike, I get, but me? I’m honestly offended. I thought we were besties, man,” Dustin told him. 

They were only a few houses down from the Wheelers’, so before Lucas could say anything, Steve hurriedly added, “I know it’s hard to understand. I might not be completely gay, but I’m at least bisexual. I definitely like guys and I really did love Nancy, so I think that I probably like girls too. It’s just a much more intense feeling when I’m with a guy. I’ve only known this about myself for about a year, so there is a lot that I’m still uncertain of. I’m sorry for not telling you first, Dustin, and really Robin and El are the only two I actually told. I want to tell Mike myself and if Nancy is there, I want to tell her too.”

They had pulled into the Wheelers’ driveway, reminding Steve of the last time he was here where he had unloaded onto Mrs. Wheeler. As Steve was putting the car into park, Dustin quickly said, “Well you are going to have to tell us all about your date at some point. And if it goes well, I better be the first person to meet him!” 

Steve smiled and told him, “I will and I promise you will be.” 

They all clamored out of the car and approached the Wheeler’s front door. Steve took a breath and then knocked. Thankfully, Mrs. Wheeler did not answer, instead it was Nancy. “Hi, come on in. I suppose you are all here for Mike? He’s down in the basement, moping, same as usual.” 

Steve nervously cleared his throat and just as she turned, Steve called after her, “Actually Nance, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Dustin and Lucas got the hint and left them alone as they went down into the basement. 

Her eyes followed Dustin and Lucas but once they were out of sight she looked at Steve. “Okay? What is it?” 

He let out a sigh and warned her, “Well, you might want to sit down for this.”

As Steve revealed that he was not heterosexual and had an upcoming date with a man, Nancy sat in complete silence with her mouth slightly agape. He had finished speaking but she remained silent.

“Nancy? Say something, please,” he begged with concern.

“I – I’m sorry. It’s just a lot to take in. It’s hard to wrap my head around it all. I never – I mean absolutely _never_ – would have guessed. Wow. Okay. So you like men? And _maybe_ women? But definitely men? That is… a lot to process. And you are certain that you loved me?” Nancy rambled. Steve nodded and after a brief pause, she asked, “When did you realize… that you liked men?”

The thought of Billy tugged at Steve’s heart but he told her what she wanted to hear, “Not until we broke up, obviously. I loved you Nance, I _really_ loved you. It’s just, I loved you differently? I don’t know how to explain it any other way. And I don’t want you to get it wrong; my feelings for you were not just platonic. I loved you romantically too. But it was always missing something. I’m not sure if it was because you didn’t feel the same or if it was because I’m gay. I’m still figuring that out myself.”

Nancy leaned back with her arm on the couch and looked curiously at Steve. “So, you love a man. And it is whole, it is everything that we were missing?”

Steve felt his eyes welling up at the memories of Billy and worrying about revealing their relationship, he simply nodded.

Suddenly and surprisingly, Nancy smiled and she was tearing up. “Oh, Steve. I’m happy for you. I will always feel guilty for how things ended between us and I’m so sorry that it happened the way it did, but that feeling, that completion? It’s what I have always felt for Jonathon and after everything that happened between you and I, I held out hope that I wasn’t that person for you and that you would find someone. I’m so glad you did, what’s his name?”

She wiped her happy tears away but Steve couldn’t meet her eyes. His chest was aching and that hollow feeling that he had learned to push away was surfacing again. Nancy immediately noticed his aloofness. “What is it? Did you break up? I thought you had a date?” 

Steve put his head in his hands and softly cried. He didn’t want Nancy to see him cry, but it couldn’t be prevented. Nancy remained quiet and eventually Steve spoke, muffled by his hands still over his face. “I do have a date, with Theo. He’s great but it’s very new, only our second date. The man that I loved, that I still love, well he’s… gone.”

“What do you mean by ‘gone’ Steve?”

He looked at her and with all of his remaining strength told her, “He’s dead.” Hesitating a bit, formulating his words to throw her off, Steve continued, “He died with twenty-nine others.”

Nancy put a supportive hand on his arm, “Oh, Steve, I’m so sorry. You did seem… _different_ after everything that had happened at the mall.”

“If by different you mean depressed, then yes. I’ve been getting better but it’s been hard. I had felt guilt over Barb’s death, but not anything close to what you had felt. Now? Now I understand _exactly_ what you were feeling.”

Steve continued, “And I’m sorry that I had made things worse by invalidating your feelings. Even if it seems disconnected or minuscule, I am constantly feeling guilty for every single thing that I did that day, week, or whenever. I might as well have killed him myself, with my bare hands. That’s how much guilt I feel and I know now that it is what you felt about Barb.”

Nancy had listened attentively while he spoke and after he finished she said, “I appreciate you acknowledging it now. It truly shows how much you have grown and I’m really proud of you. I will always feel some guilt about Barb but the amount I feel has lessened significantly. I just try to reassure myself that so much was out of my control and even if I had made different choices, the Demogorgon still would have gotten her. You have to do the same or it will drive you insane. Believe me, I know.”

Steve wanted to tell her that it was different, that he had directly contributed to Billy’s demise. Yes, there were extenuating factors that he couldn’t control but he definitely deserved some blame. Regardless, he kept his mouth shut and nodded in response to Nancy. 

She nodded back and stood up. “Well, I have to meet Stacie so I’ll see you later and I hope it all works out for you Steve, I really do. I’m sorry that you experienced a loss like that. You never did say though, what was his name, the man you loved? Did he go to school with us?” 

“Umm,” Steve was caught off-guard, “could we maybe talk about it another time?”

Nancy rapidly nodded. “Yes, yes of course! I’ll see you later then.” She gave a wave before heading out the door. 

Steve was relieved that he was able to get out of that discussion, at least for now. However, he still had to talk to Mike. Thankfully, it wasn’t as painful as his talk with Nancy. Mike was more concerned with talking about El than Steve’s sexuality. Which was perfectly fine with Steve. He wanted less of a discussion and just more of a warning.

Mike was going on and on about El being here in a few days and he was trying to find the perfect Christmas gifts for her before then. Steve was barely listening, still feeling quite emotionally raw. He was ready to go. 

He stood up and declared, “Well, I’m off. Mike, I’m sure whatever you get her, El will love it. Thank you for taking the time and listening to what I had to say. Dustin do you want a ride home?”

“Yes! See you guys tomorrow!” Dustin said as he followed Steve up the basement steps. Once they were in the car, he sighed. “Thank god we finally got out of there. If I hear ‘El’ one more time, I’m tempted to stab skewers in my ears. I love Susie and all but Mike and El’s relationship is something else.”

Steve shrugged. “It’s definitely bordering on the obsessive side but I think that they do just really care about each other.” 

“Yeah but still, I can’t wait until she gets here so he will finally shut up about it.”

After dropping off Dustin, Steve worked the rest of the evening and then most of the next day. Sharing the Wednesday shift with Robin, he told her how telling the others went. She was especially curious because Steve was the only one who knew about her and was eventually hoping to be completely out and open with her sexuality. 

“I’m glad, but not surprised, that it went so well! They all love you and nothing could change that. I wish that I was brave enough to tell more people. You probably would have never found out if I hadn’t been all doped up on Russian truth serum. I just figured that it wasn’t important for people to know unless I actually have a girlfriend,” Robin confided in Steve.

He nodded. “Yeah, that’s sort of how I feel too. But it was different,” he looked around to make sure no one was in the store, “with Billy. Yes, I was scared of what people would think but I wanted to keep our relationship a secret to protect him from his dad. With Theo, I realized that this is who I am and that I shouldn’t have to hide it from the rest of the world.”

“Damn, your balls must be huge!” Robin teased him before chuckling. 

Steve laughed. “I – actually, not too far off, not my balls though.”

Robin cringed. “Eww… are you referring to your dick? I did not need that information.” 

A customer walked in, breaking up their conversation. After the customer left, it was near closing time. They returned the movies to their shelves, vacuumed, and straightened up the store before clocking out. As they parted, Steve promised to call her right after his date and tell her how it went. Exhausted, Steve quickly fell asleep once he was in bed.

From the moment he woke up, Steve was anxious for his date. He was excited but also nervous. He knew that there could be comments and backlash and even physical altercations after their public outing. He hoped for the best but wanted to prepare for the worst.

The movie was at 4pm so Steve took a shower at 2. He had already seen _Rocky IV_ but suggested it to Theo anyway. He had been less than enthused and countered with seeing _Clue_. Steve reluctantly agreed but was warmed up to the idea when Theo had seemed so excited about it having three different endings and the one playing was “Ending C”. 

After Steve had adequately prepared for his date, he was about to head out the door when it swung open. He quickly dodged out of the way and to his dismay, his father walked in. “Steve, are you headed out?” He looked his son over and continued, “Why are you dressed so nicely?”

Steve tried to stop himself from getting flustered but he also didn’t want to have this conversation. “I’m going to see a movie and I’m running late. Tell mom that I won’t be home for dinner,” he blurted before practically running out the door. Thankfully, his father didn’t follow him and he climbed into the car and took off.

He had lied to his dad about being late, instead arriving quite early. The Hawk had held on through the arrival of Starcourt Mall but just barely. Now that the mall was no more, the theater was flourishing once again. Steve waited outside the theater and watched several people enter. He was surprised it was so busy on a weekday. It made him slightly nervous but he pushed the thoughts aside. 

After waiting for a while, Theo finally arrived. Steve gave him a warm smile and hugged him in greeting. “Hey there, handsome. You ready to see this movie?” he whispered.

Theo blushed and nodded before following Steve up to the box office. Steve paid for the tickets and Theo bought them popcorn and a drink to share. When they took their seats, Steve noticed that there were only a handful of people. He hoped this movie was going to be decent despite the small numbers. Everyone he had seen come in the theater must have been here for Rocky.

Throughout the movie, Steve found himself pleasantly surprised. He and Theo laughed through most of the movie. It was definitely entertaining. Though it wasn’t a romance, he and Theo did seem to make some romantic progress. They held hands several times and even fed each other popcorn at one point. The movie was great but Steve couldn’t wait to go to dinner and get to know Theo better.

Afterwards, Theo asked, “Are you sure you still want to go to dinner? You aren’t full on popcorn?”

Steve shook his head. “No, I’m like a human garbage disposal, constantly hungry. Are you… full?” He started feeling anxious that Theo did not want to be seen in public together. 

However, he smiled. “Nope, I could definitely eat. I just wanted to make sure you were good. Let’s go!” 

They had decided to walk to the diner but Steve started to regret the decision as the wind picked up. “Geez, it is freezing!” 

To his utter amazement, Theo offered his arm. “Here, we will be warmer if we are holding on to each other.”

Steve resisted the urge to chuckle, as this had been one of his favorite ways to get closer to a girl. “Okay,” he said before locking his arm in Theo’s. He looked around but no one was on the street except for them. Once the diner was in view, he dropped his arm from Theo’s. 

They sat across from each other in a booth and before, during, and after eating, the two of them shared an informational conversation. They bonded over the struggles of high school popularity and feeling lost and isolated after graduation. Theo told Steve about the culture shock of moving to an entirely new and overwhelming city for college but how the experience was ultimately positive. 

Steve relayed his father’s disappointment as well as his own over his lack of academic success and eventual lack of athletic prowess that resulted in not getting accepted to any of the colleges that he had applied to.

He shockingly found himself willing to be open with Theo. He went on about how everyone assumed he was an idiot and played the part to appease others. He knew that he could do better but lacked the motivation and everyone expected him not to succeed anyway. However, he left out the fact that he was also depressed most of his senior year.

“Steve, I’m so sorry that you didn’t have the support that you needed. You are not stupid. Not by a long shot. You might be adorably ditsy at times, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t intelligent,” Theo tried to reassure him.

“Yeah but you don’t know me that well. I can be stupid, really stupid, sometimes. It definitely goes beyond ditsy. Ask anyone I went to school with, ask my parents. I _am_ an – “

“Hush,” Theo interrupted him, “I don’t want to hear such nonsense. Of all the conversations that we have had, not once did I question your intelligence. If anything, I thought ‘wow, this guy is really insightful’. If anyone is an idiot, it is the rest of Hawkins High. Believe me, I know from experience.” 

Steve could feel himself blushing, “insightful”? He couldn’t believe Theo or anyone else would even think that about him, let alone say it out loud. He definitely did not think it himself. “I appreciate you trying to stroke my ego, but I’m quite self-aware. I know that I’m not smart and don’t have many skills.” 

Quite loudly, Theo exclaimed, “Steve, just stop! You are obviously not as self-aware as you claim. The ideas that you hold about yourself are solely based on what other people have told you. You need to realize that you are _amazing_ , because you truly are. There is a reason so many people like you Steve, it’s such a shame that you can’t see it.”

Ignoring the glares from some of the other diners, Steve smiled at him. “You really think so? It really means a lot coming from someone who is as great as you are Theo.”

It was Theo’s turn to blush. As the number of patrons dwindled down, Steve and Theo became more comfortable not only in their conversation but also physically. They openly flirted and touched each other. Steve was stroking Theo’s hand with his thumb when their waitress cleared her throat awkwardly. She aggressively placed their bill on the table and curtly told them, “Here’s your check. We’re closing.”

Feeling as though they were basically being thrown out, the two of them quickly paid and left the diner. Theo had parked along the street and it was closer so Steve walked him to his car. 

Once they reached Theo’s car, Steve grabbed his hand. “Tonight was great – probably one of the best nights that I’ve had in a long time. Thank you Theo,” he murmured before leaning in to kiss him. Theo stuck his hands in Steve’s back pockets and drew him closer. 

Yet again, Steve thoughts drifted to Billy. He pulled away, trying not to do so abruptly. “I would like to see you again, that is if you want to see me?” 

Theo ran his thumb over Steve’s lip. “I’d like to do much more than just ‘see’ you, are you certain you still want to take things slow?” 

Steve quickly nodded. “Yeah, at least for now, but as soon as I am ready to take things to the next level I will let you know. I have Sunday off, do you want to go on a date or just hang out?”

Theo pursed his lips in concentration. “I’m curious, are you wanting to just take things slow _physically_? Even if we don’t become intimate for a while, what do you think about calling yourself my boyfriend? And I would love to go on another date.”

 _Boyfriend?_ This was a new concept to Steve, being in a relationship that didn’t revolve around sex. With Billy and several girls as well, Steve had only been physical. It was different with Billy though because the feelings were there. He hesitated in answering Theo, not being sure with how he felt about it. He worked it over in his mind, eventually concluding that he could at least give it try. He owed Theo that much at least.

“I’d love to be your boyfriend. Are you sure it’s okay though that it’s just in name for now and we keep the physical stuff to a minimum?” 

Theo smiled a happily goofy grin before kissing him. He pulled away and told Steve, “As long as I can at least kiss my _boyfriend_ , everything else will just be a cherry on top.”

Steve rolled his eyes and chuckled. “You’re really gonna wear it out aren’t you?” Theo laughed and nodded. Reluctantly, Steve said his goodbyes and promised to call tomorrow. He watched Theo pull away before he began walking to his own car. 

The small lot was empty apart from his own car. It wasn’t unusual because it was quite late on a weekday but something did not seem right. Steve glanced around but did not see anything suspicious. He was just about to unlock his car when someone roughly grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Steve Harrington! I was wondering when I was going to finally run into you,” Neil Hargrove told him with a sly grin. Steve was practically pinned against his car with Neil just inches from his face. He could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“I’m sorry but is there something that I can help you with sir?” They had met once before but had never spoken. Steve had been afraid that he would start something if he talked to him. Even now, Steve hoped Neil couldn’t sense the vileness in his voice.

Neil just laughed bitterly, still gripping Steve by the shoulder. Suddenly, his grasp tightened. Not knowing what the meaning of this was, Steve sharply told him, “You are hurting me. What is it that you want from me?”

“I’d like my son back. Not the Billy that I now know of but the one I knew when he had died. You’ve ruined him, the memory of him, you disgusting piece of shit. You fucking faggot!” As Neil spat his words angrily into Steve’s face, his hand shifted from Steve’s shoulder to his throat. 

Knowing what Neil Hargrove was capable of, Steve was paralyzed with fear. Neil continued, “Your father told me everything. _Everything!_ I’ve been waiting for this chance for months!”

“Billy told me everything too. Who’s the… piece of shit? Someone who loved him or someone who beat him?” Steve squeaked out through his constricted airway. He didn’t know where he had gathered the courage but he was determined to put Neil Hargrove in his place. Neil tightened his grip around Steve’s throat but Steve wasn’t going to continue taking it. He punched Neil Hargrove square in the nose.

Neil released his grip and staggered backward. He immediately started to laugh. The sight threw Steve straight into a flashback of his fight with Billy. He was lost in thought when Neil began to hit him back. 

Much like his son, Neil was an aggressive and heavy-handed fighter. Steve was able to get a few punches in, Neil was a little slower than Billy, but Neil’s hits had more impact. Steve was finally able to get his arms up to block the punches, saving him from losing consciousness.

Neil still continued to hit Steve’s arms and tears fell as he screamed at Steve. “Fuck you! I didn’t even have a body to bury and you are disgracing the only thing left of him, his name! You didn’t love him! I saw you with that other boy!”

Steve’s chest tightened with Neil’s final words and dropped his hands in defeat. Neil then punched him in the stomach. Steve doubled over in pain but told himself that he deserved this and much worse. Neil used his compromised position to throw him onto the asphalt. That feeling of emptiness crept in again and Steve glared up at Neil, silently willing him to do his worst. 

He must have received the message because he then crouched over Steve and grabbed him by the hair. He slammed Steve’s head onto the pavement. Steve’s vision went bright white but came back into focus as he heard someone yell in the distance. Neil turned towards the voice but then looked back at Steve with malice. With his grip still on Steve’s hair, he cracked Steve’s head against the ground once more with significant force.

It was hard enough to knock Steve out.


	6. Chapter 6

_“Steve! Steve, wake up! You have to wake up, before he finds – “_

Steve sat up with a bolt, regretting it instantly as his head throbbed. He felt like he was going to throw up but wasn’t sure if it was from sitting up too fast or from hearing Billy’s voice. It had seemed so real and urgent, different from the other dreams. He had just heard his voice and wasn’t able to actually see Billy.

“Steve…” a voice started and not realizing he wasn’t alone, Steve nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked over and saw his mother sitting beside his bed. He then recognized that he was in the hospital. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you Muffin. I’m glad you are awake. I’ve only been here a little while and you’ve been sleeping most of the time.”

Steve settled back into the bed and tried to remember what had happened. He was in a fight but couldn’t remember who it was with. “What happened?”

“The doctor said your memory might be a little hazy at first. You have a concussion from that… horrid man, Neil Hargrove, beating you. Thankfully, there was a witness and they put him in jail. No one understands why he hurt you though, he refuses to answer any questions. Do you know why? If not it, it’s okay Muffin.”

The night came flooding back to him as soon as his mother mentioned Neil’s name. Not wanting to tell his mother just yet, he shook his head. His mother then told him, “I’m sure you will remember eventually. The doctors said that though the concussion is severe, there doesn’t appear to be any significant damage.”

She continued, “You should be able to go home either by this evening or tomorrow morning. They want to observe you for 24 hours. That reminds me, the nurses told me to fetch someone when you woke, I’ll be right back.”

His mother got up and hastily left. When she returned with a doctor, she told Steve, “Muffin, I’m going to head on home and get some rest. Your father said he will stop by after work and – “

“Tell him not to bother. And if you want to know why Neil Hargrove did this – ask dad,” Steve interrupted brusquely. His mother tilted her head with curiosity, rendering her as the spitting image of a Pomeranian with her voluminous brassy hair. “Oh, I certainly will. Just call the house if you need anything,” she told him before leaving the room.

The doctor had stood awkwardly by the side of his bed throughout the interaction and as soon as his mother left, asked Steve, “How are you feeling?”

“Apart from suffering from a head injury? Just fucking peachy.”

The young doctor gave a small chuckle before continuing, “Well your speech appears to be normal. How is your head and the rest of you feeling? Try to be as specific as possible.” 

“Well I have a massive headache, but it might go away now that my mom has left. My ears are ringing and I am slightly nauseated. Also, I did have trouble remembering why I was here.”

“Those are all typical symptoms of a concussion, especially one severe enough for you to lose consciousness. Do you remember being woken up by the witness at the scene or the several times that me and my colleagues woke you?” the doctor asked.

The only thing that Steve could remember from the time that he was knocked out by Neil and waking up with his mother at his side was Billy’s voice calling to him. Perplexed, he shook his head. “No, not at all. Is that bad?”

“Amnesia is common in concussions as severe as yours and none of our scans indicated that you sustained any serious injury, so there shouldn’t be any cause for concern. But for now, you will just have to be observed here in the hospital and then for a week or so at home. Just to make sure we didn’t miss anything with our scans.” 

She paused for a moment and then quietly continued, “Some of things you were saying though, when we would wake you, were quite odd. You were mostly incoherent but at one point you were screaming, and I mean _screaming_ , about something called a ‘Mind Slayer’? Saying it was coming. You were also calling out for a Billy. Is that your girlfriend? If you want to write down her number, I can give her a call and tell her where you are?“ 

Steve’s throat tightened and he quickly made up an excuse for his ramblings, “I don’t know anything about a Mind Slayer, it must have been a weird dream or something. Billy was an old friend. I don’t have a _girl_ friend. Could I give you my friend Robin’s number though?”

The kind doctor nodded with a smile and found a piece of paper and a pen for Steve to jot the number down. She left the room and Steve was on his own for a while. Just when he had drifted back to sleep, a nurse shook him awake. “Sorry sir, we have to wake you every hour.” She shined a light in his eyes, exacerbating his headache and hurting his eyes. 

Steve was nearly asleep again when there was a knock at the door. He quietly groaned and said, “Come on in.”

The door swung open with Robin on the other side of it. “Jesus you look like shit. Have you seen yourself? Doesn’t matter, as long as you are okay. Who did this? Haven’t you learned to stay out of fights by now, dingus?” 

Steve groaned and sarcastically remarked, “Wow, what a kind friend you are. And to answer your question, Neil Hargrove did this. My dad told him about Billy and me. Then he happened to see Theo and I together. So he hit me, and I let him.”

“What? Why would you _let_ him?” Robin asked with puzzlement. 

“Well, I fought back at first and then… I realized. I deserved it. How could I go out with another guy? How could I betray Billy’s memory like that?” He sighed before continuing, “It didn’t feel right but I was so desperate for… well I don’t even know what I was looking for! I even agreed to be Theo’s boyfriend and I’m nowhere near being ready to move on. I’ll have to tell him that I’m sorry but I can’t –“ 

“Steve, stop torturing yourself!” Robin interrupted. “I mean, if you really do feel that you aren’t ready, you definitely should break things off before it gets to a point that it would be really damaging to Theo. _But_ , I think you owe Theo, as well as yourself, to at least _try_ to be in a relationship. Right?”

Steve shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like I am betraying Billy. Did I even love him if I am able to move on so quickly?”

Robin sat on his bed. “Of course you loved him. Being with someone else doesn’t change how you felt about him. It may seem sudden but if what you really need right now is a relationship, then it isn’t too soon to move on. As long as it is helpful. However, if you are using the relationship as a way to avoid your grief for Billy, it will only hurt you and Theo both in the end.”

“I’m not sure. I might be using Theo as a crutch, someone to project my feelings – that I still have for Billy – onto. I would hate to do that to him but I suppose that I should first figure out if that is actually what’s going on before ending things with Theo.”

Robin nodded in agreement before giving an encouraging smile. “Yeah, I think that would be the best way to go about it. Well, I have to leave to go to work since _somebody_ has ended up in the hospital. I’ll make Keith give you a few days off and I will come by your house tomorrow, okay?”

Steve nodded and told her, “Okay, thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Have fun working my shift tonight!”

She narrowed her eyes at him and flipped him off as she left his room. Steve was about to fall asleep when a nurse interrupted him yet again. He groaned and asked the nurse, “What’s it going to take for me to get some sleep around here?” 

The nurse just laughed before doing the hourly check-up and then leaving. Once she left, Steve let out a loud groan and attempted to fall asleep again. Finally, he was able to sleep. At least for a little while. 

Steve felt like he had slept for ages when he finally woke up. 

Something was wrong.

He was still at the hospital but it was different. It was cold and dark.

This isn’t possible. How could he be here? He just went to sleep. How could he be in the Upside Down? Nothing was making sense. He hoped it was just a dream.

Steve tried to close his eyes and reopen them, hoping that he would wake from the dream. It was no use. No matter the number of times he closed and opened his eyes, they still saw the same reality. 

It had to be some sort of coma. But, he had felt completely fine before falling asleep. Surely, a doctor or nurse would try waking him up at any moment. Then this nightmare would be no more. Steve attempted to remember what he had last thought of before he fell asleep. Maybe that would help. 

_Billy_. That’s what he was thinking about right before he went to sleep. He was recalling his earlier dream of hearing Billy’s voice and wondering if he would dream of him again. Did he? He couldn’t remember having any dreams this time.

Though it was cold, Steve wasn’t bothered by it. He decided to find a blanket anyway and found one in a supply closet along with a facemask. He probably needed something more protective. He had learned from Hopper and Will’s experiences that the environment was toxic. The army surplus store was in town and would probably have gas masks. He decided to head there. 

He wrapped the blanket around himself and looked for shoes but was only able to find socks. They were better than anything so he made do. He left the hospital and started walking down the road. The center of town was a few miles from the hospital. 

Steve walked for a while and eventually made it to the store. He was able to find a gas mask but had no idea if it was working or not. Still, he put it on. Not knowing what to do next, he sat on the curb outside of the shop and contemplated what he was going to do. He really had no idea.

Lost in thought, his ears picked up something in the distance. As it got closer, the familiar roar of a car’s engine made his heart skip a beat. It wasn’t just any car – it was Billy’s Camaro.

Steve knew that he had to be imagining things. How of all places could Billy’s car be here in the Upside Down? First off, Steve completely destroyed it with the Toddfather’s car. Secondly, Steve had only seen a few cars and they were completely overtaken by the vines. So why would Billy’s car be in working condition?

Yet, he could still hear the car and it was getting closer and closer. Though the mask obscured some of his vision, Steve glimpsed the car as it came barreling down the street towards him. His heart was pounding and he was paralyzed. 

The blue Camaro drove past him but then he heard the brakes squeal and it began reversing. Anxiety was coursing through Steve but he managed to stand, with his guard up to face the driver.

Even though his back was the first thing he saw, Steve immediately recognized the driver. “Billy?”

Billy’s head whipped around and he looked surprised. Steve forgot that he was wearing the mask. Billy knew him by his voice though. “Steve?” he questioned with a tone of utter disbelief and anguish. “No, no! I thought you were safe!”

He rushed over to Steve and took the mask off. With his voice breaking, Steve asked Billy as he looked him in his eyes, “Is – is it really you?”

Tearfully nodding, Billy took Steve’s face in his hands and kissed him. All of Steve’s distress over being trapped in the Upside Down melted away as he melted under Billy’s touch. He couldn’t believe it. 

A thought slipped into Steve’s mind as they were kissing. Was this all a dream? 

He gently held Billy back. “Wait. Is this a dream? We had broken up and you being alive and kissing me seems too good to be true. Nothing is making sense.”

Billy let out a huge sorrow-filled sigh, “Unfortunately it’s real. Right now, I don’t care that you broke my heart; I had to kiss you. I’m happy you are here but I shouldn’t be. If you are here, that means he is in control of your body right now.”

Steve’s heart dropped to his stomach. “But that doesn’t make sense either, how was he able to get in? The gate is closed and I didn’t have any contact with anything that could have infected me like it did you and the rest of the flayed.”

“’Flayed’? Is that what you call the possessed? From what we’ve learned, a piece of him is in the real world but he remains dormant until the gate is open. Either a gate has been opened or he has become more powerful. He draws strength from here and the more occupied this place is, the stronger he becomes. All of the ‘flayed’ not only were trapped here while their bodies were taken over, but also when our bodies died.”

Billy continued, “I knew that something or someone was here because we can _feel_ his power growing. With your arrival, he is the strongest he’s ever been. I’m not sure how he was able to gain control over you but it can’t be good. The girl – El – and others like her are the only ones who can stop him. He will go for them first. Is El safe?”

“She’s currently in Maine but will be here any day now for Christmas. Is there anything we can do to stop him?”

Billy’s eyes went wide. “Christmas? It has really been that long? You have to attempt to fight him. If you focus hard enough and try to sense your body in the real world, you can get control back. But the rest of us here? We are useless without a body. I don’t know how to explain it because there is no precedent, but he essentially duplicated each of the flayed. He had complete control of our bodies while we were stuck here. Unless we fought.”

Billy continued, “Only a few others did, most didn’t even know they could. At first, I was able to fight him and stop him from doing what he wanted. It was excruciating for both of us to be present in my body at once. As he grew stronger with more and more flayed, I was no longer able to fight him off. Not until El – she was able to reach me in the end.”

Suddenly, Steve started get worked up. “Billy, I’m so sorry.”

Billy reached for his hand. “What for?”

Steve quickly pulled his hand away from Billy’s and he lamented, “For everything! How can you want to kiss me and hold my hand after what I’ve done to you? I broke your heart and – and I helped kill you! You should hate me!”

Sighing, Billy told him, “I did, when you broke up with me – well, at least I _tried_ to hate you. Turns out, it was impossible. I love you and nothing, not even a break up, could change that. And my death? How are you to blame at all? I was a monster. I had to be stopped. Actually, I should apologize for kissing you and trying to hold your hand. I know that you don’t feel the same as I do.”

Steve let out a shaky sigh and refused to meet Billy’s eyes. Barely above a whisper, he told him, “But I do. I do feel the same. I lied.”

“What? What do you mean you lied?” 

Now looking up at Billy, Steve told him, “I lied. I said I didn’t love you. But I _did_ love you. I only said I didn’t because I thought it would keep you safe from your dad.”

Billy grasped Steve’s face in his hands and gently asked, “Do you still love me?” 

Speechless, with Billy’s frigid hands gripping his face and tears wetting his cheeks, Steve could only nod in response at first. Tears began to fall from Billy’s eyes as well and Steve was finally able to utter as he placed his own hands over Billy’s, “I never stopped loving you. I will _always_ love you Billy.” 

Billy was tearful but also beaming with joy as he kissed Steve. He was beside himself with happiness, not only because Billy was alive but because they were also back in each other’s arms. With Billy’s death, Steve had lost a piece of himself and thought that he would never be able to get it back. But now it was here, with Billy, and he wasn’t going to throw it away again. 

They were still blissfully embracing each other when Steve began to feel an odd tugging sensation. Confused, he started to say something to Billy, “I don’t feel so good.” 

Billy gasped and tried to grasp a hold of Steve but his fingers slipped through him as though he was made of air. “Steve! You have to warn everyone!” Billy yelled as he and everything else began to fade to black. 

When his eyes opened again, Steve was sitting in his car in Billy and Max’s driveway. Confused and then suddenly feeling concerned and panicked, he jumped out of the car and ran up to the door. He knocked on the door as hard as he could until a confused Max opened the door.

“Steve? What are you doing? I thought you were going home?” she asked. Steve stepped into the house and closed the door behind him

Rapidly, Steve questioned her, “What kind of things was I saying? How was I acting? Did I hurt anyone?”

“Woah, woah slow down! What’s wrong?”

“Th-the Mind Flayer, he’s in me! I don’t know how long before he will be back!”

Max’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped. “What? When did it happen?”

“I don’t know. I fell asleep in the hospital but woke up in the Upside Down. It was after Robin had visited me. Max,” he grabbed her by the arms, “you have to tell me what I was saying and doing.” 

“Umm, you were asking a lot of questions about El. When she would be here. You said that you needed to talk to her about the Mind Flayer. There was something you said that scared me; you asked where Billy’s body was. I asked why you wanted to know and you – well, _it_ – wouldn’t answer me. I thought you knew they couldn’t find his body so I was very confused, which I told it and then it just left.”

Steve shook his head in disbelief. “When will El be here? We have to figure out a plan. We have to do something before he takes over again. He’s still here, I can feel him, but I don’t think he is listening right now. We have get everyone together and figure it out.” 

Max nodded in agreement. “I’ll call everyone right now.” 

Steve called after her as she went into the kitchen, “Call Mrs. Byers too, tell her not to come here.”

After some time, she came out and said, “Okay, everyone has agreed to meet at Dustin’s. Mrs. Byers didn’t answer and doesn’t have an answering machine, we will have to try again later. Do you know if Robin is at work?”

He shook his head. “No, but we can stop by her house.” 

They hopped in Steve’s car that was still parked in Max’s driveway and went down the street to Robin’s house. Max stayed in the car while Steve anxiously knocked on Robin’s door. He had never met her parents and hoped they weren’t home.

Instead, Robin’s brother opened the door. Steve sighed with relief. “Hey Ricky, is Robin home?” 

Her 12-year-old brother rolled his eyes and yelled, “Hey Robin! Your boyfriend is here! Did you do that to his face?”

Robin appeared within a few seconds and smiled warmly. “Steve! What are you doing here? I was just about to go check on you at home. Should you be out and about so soon?”

His head was throbbing but he had to ignore it for now, there were more important things going on. Steve looked at Ricky and then told Robin, “We have to go into work, it’s an emergency. Can your brother look after himself?”

Ricky flipped him off and walked away. Both Steve and Robin started laughing and she had received the hint, following Steve out the door. Once they were in the car, Robin demanded, “Okay, what’s the deal? Why aren’t you at home resting?”

Looking at both Max and Robin, he asked, “What day is it?” 

Robin stared at him with mild concern. “Are you that concussed? It’s Saturday. I just saw you in the hospital yesterday, which was Friday.”

He nodded and looked directly at Max. “You never answered me when I asked when El was coming.” 

“She will be here tomorrow,” she flatly told him, knowing the direness of the situation.

“Tomorrow! Oh my god, we have no time! We need to get to Dustin’s, now!” Steve exclaimed with a sense of panic. He told Robin, “Once everyone is at Dustin’s, I’ll explain everything.” 

Steve drove, trying not to speed too much. They reached Dustin’s quickly, it was not too far from Robin’s. They piled out of the car and knocked on the door. Dustin let them in and everyone else was there waiting. 

Everyone was staring at Steve and anxiety was coursing through him. _Fuck_. He knew that they were waiting for him to explain but he wasn’t sure how to start. Max sighed before blurting, “We were right, the Mind Flayer was after Steve. He possessed him, but he’s gone – for now.” 

“What?!” everyone seemed to exclaim at once. 

Steve cleared his throat. “Hey, calm down! He could be back any moment so I have to say this quickly. He’s after El and he knows she will be here tomorrow. Dustin, if you have Mrs. Byers’ number, try to call her and tell her not to come to Hawkins. Hopefully, they haven’t left yet. If they have, I need all of you to make preparations. Weapons, tactics, the whole shebang. I’m going to try to fight him off as hard as I can, but he’s stronger than before.”

Dustin had nodded and went to call Mrs. Byers again. Skeptically, Lucas questioned Steve, “How do we know that he isn’t listening – spying – right now? That you aren’t lying to us? And how do you know that he’s after El and that he’s stronger?” 

Steve sighed. “You guys just have to trust me. I can feel him in me but it’s like he’s far away right now. When he took over, I went to the Upside Down. And I wasn’t alone. The flayed, they are stuck there. Trapped there without their bodies, like a really fucked up Limbo. I guess because they are more connected to the Mind Flayer than me, they know what he is planning and can sense his power. At least that’s what Billy told me.”

“Billy?” Max questioned with astonishment, “He’s there, in the Upside Down?” 

Dustin had returned and was gaping open mouthed. “Mrs. Byers didn’t answer, they are probably on their way. That asshole Billy – well, his ghost or whatever it is – is still around?” 

Robin huffed and quickly defended him, “That ‘asshole’ saved all our lives. Who’s the asshole now?” She went over and defiantly stood with her arms crossed next to Max. 

Dustin sighed. “Sorry. I mean, he _was_ an asshole though.”

Max nodded. “Yeah he was. But he was still my brother, and I do believe he cared about me – even if he had a messed up way of showing it. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad about him being trapped though. I would be happy if it meant he could come back to our world. But it makes me sad to think that he could be trapped there forever.” She looked at Steve. “Do you think he _could_ come back?”

Seeing both the hope and fear on Max’s features, struck a chord with him. Fighting back tears, he told her with as little emotion as he could muster, “I don’t know. I hope so, but I don’t know. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him for very long. If we can help Billy, we will. But right now, our priority is El – protecting her from the Mind Flayer.”

There were several nods around the room, but Nancy was looking at Steve with peculiarity. Robin spoke up, “Steve, you should probably be watched 24/7 with us all taking shifts. We can communicate by walkie-talkie. I think that would be an adequate warning system. I have to go to work in about an hour but I can be on ‘babysitting duty’ afterwards. Who wants to go first?”

Steve rolled his eyes at her but then looked around to see who would volunteer. He had expected Dustin to, but Nancy was the first to speak, “I can. I don’t mind and I’d rather do it today than when Jonathon gets here.”

He was slightly irritated that everyone was talking around him, like he wasn’t even there. Sarcastically Steve quipped, “Wow, you are really taking one for the team. Thanks, Nance.”

“You’re an idiot, Steve Harrington,” she said with a warm smile. Her expression then faded to seriousness. “We don’t like this any more than you do, but it is what’s necessary. It’s for El, right? To keep her safe. And you as well.” 

He sighed and nodded. He could deal with being treated like a criminal or child as long as it meant that El was protected. “Yeah, okay. But I want all of you to make a promise, no excuses or exclusions, right here and right now.”

They all looked apprehensive but Steve continued, “You all have to promise that as soon as El is in danger, if I am about to hurt her, you will not hesitate to kill me.” 

There was a horrid silence as they stared at Steve in shock. Nancy started, “Steve –“

“No, Nance. I said no excuses or exclusions. I want every single one of you to say ‘I promise.’”

She let out a sad sigh and mournfully agreed, “Okay, I promise.” Mike, Lucas, and Max followed with their own promises, but Robin and Dustin were hesitating.

Robin’s shoulders moved up and down with heavy breaths. Eventually, she walked up to Steve and hugged him. “I promise,” she told him with a whisper. He gave her a weak smile in return and then turned his attention to Dustin.

Dustin shook his head rapidly back and forth. “Steve, no. I can’t promise that, I _won’t_. I refuse. No, absolutely no. I told you, if you die, I die. So if everyone agrees to kill you, then they have to kill me next.” 

“No, that’s not happening buddy. You are not the one who has a monster inside you. You are not the one who is putting every person here at risk, I am. And who am I? I’m a nobody. If the one thing that I do right is die, then it will be worth it. Okay? You, El, and everyone else here are going to do amazing things. You all deserve a chance to have normal lives. I’m willing to risk my own life so that happens.”

Visibly upset, Dustin challenged him, “No, that is not true Steve! You are just as important as everyone else! If it wasn’t for you, who knows what would have happened with the Demogorgon and the Demodogs! I’m not promising shit!”

“Dustin, _please_. I need everyone, but especially you, to make this promise. Not only for El, but for me too. I need reassurance that everyone is going to put El first no matter what, okay? If something happens to El, then we are all screwed and I have to do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen. Do you understand?”

He sighed in response to Steve’s question but eventually told him, “I understand, but I don’t approve. I want you to know how much I hate saying this but I promise that if it comes down to it, I will kill you in order to save El and to save the world. But _only_ if she is in absolute danger.”

Steve clasped Dustin on the shoulder. “Thank you.” He looked around and grimly smiled at everyone. He heavily sighed before continuing, “Well, we should all get going before Mrs. Henderson gets home. I can take Max and Robin home and Nancy – you, Mike, and Lucas can follow. I’ll leave my car parked in the street and go with you guys.”

Everyone nodded in agreement and before they left, Dustin approached Steve. “You need to make me a promise too.”

“What?” he asked with curiosity.

“Promise me you’ll be careful.”

He hit the brim of Dustin’s hat playfully. “I will _try_ to be careful, I just don’t know what this thing has in mind so I can’t make any promises.” 

Dustin looked at him with exasperation but just shook his head in silence. Steve told him goodbye before getting in his car with Max and Robin and making the short journey back to their street. Bidding the two girls goodbye, he regretfully left his car parked on the street and hopped in the back seat of Mrs. Wheeler’s car.

Mike was staring at Steve with intensity. With a groan, Steve asked him, “What is it Mike?” 

“I don’t trust you.”

“You shouldn’t – at least not completely. None of you should. Not with it inside me.”

Breaking the heated tension, Nancy spoke up, “I’m going to drop you two off at home. I still have Christmas shopping to do and I want to get it done before tomorrow. Steve can come with me.”

“You’ll have to take a walkie-talkie,” Lucas reminded her as they pulled into the Wheelers’ driveway. 

“Can one of you bring it out, please?” she politely asked. Mike nodded, finally drawing his gaze away from Steve as he got out of the car. 

Mike came out of the house after a few minutes, passing the walkie-talkie through the window. “Channel C,” he told his sister before heading back into the house.

Steve opened the door to get in the passenger seat when Nancy softly cleared her throat. “Actually, can you stay back there for now? I just think it might be safer, sorry.”

He shut the door and nodded, understanding where she was coming from. “Yeah, you’re right.” After a slight pause, he asked, “You do remember that I hate shopping, don’t you?”

She softly chuckled and glanced back at him through the rear-view mirror. “Yes, I do recall you constantly complaining as we shopped. It might be good though to do something mindless, get you out of your head a little. I’ve tried and tried to find the perfect gift for Jonathon but I just have had no success. Maybe you could help me?”

Steve lifted his shoulders in a small shrug. “Maybe, but I think if anyone were to find him the perfect present, it would be you.”

Nancy smiled. “Well I’m glad at least one of us has hope.” She went silent for a moment and looked forward in concentration. Glancing back at him in the rear view, she said, “I wanted to ask you something. It’s okay if you don’t want to answer it.”

With apprehension, he told her, “Okay?”

She took a deep breath. “Was it Billy? Who you were in love with?”

Steve had expected Nancy to be the first to figure out – well apart from those who he had told – but he still was unprepared to be confronted. “What?”

“You love Billy, don’t you? It’s just, when Max had asked if he could come back, it seemed like you were quite affected. I’m sorry if I’m being invasive but I want you to talk to me, Steve. I want you to be able to talk to all of us.”

He held his breath as Nancy spoke, afraid of what could come out of her mouth. After she had finished though, he thoughtfully sighed. “Yes, I love him. Max, Robin, El, and Will know it was him but I was worried about telling anyone else who it is. I know how everyone feels about him and I just couldn’t handle the criticism. I didn’t want to hear anything bad about him with him being gone. He was an asshole, there’s no denying that, but there was – _is_ so much more to him than that.”

They had pulled into a spot on the street, so Nancy put the car into park as she turned around and looked at him. “Steve, if you love him, then I know he is good. Even if I can’t see it, I’ll know it’s true. I know that the others would see it that way too. He had no control over what happened on the 4th and it’s clear that he had his reasons, as unjustifiable as they were, for being angry and violent before then.”

“I appreciate that, Nance, I really do. It’s just…” his voice broke, “I _should_ have talked about him with you all earlier. I could have defended him, told you what he was really like. I broke his heart but he forgave me immediately, yet I didn’t even have the decency to talk about him. He deserved so much more than what this world gave him, what _I_ gave him. We owe him a second chance.”

Nancy reached back and put a reassuring hand on his knee. “I agree that he deserves a second chance, not just at life, but with you too. You both deserve to be happy and if he forgives you and loves you, I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t be together again.”

He didn’t know how but she managed to say exactly what he needed to hear. Steve let out his breath. “Thank you, Nancy. Now, let’s go find Jonathon a gift.”

After an hour or so of shopping and deliberation, Nancy eventually settled on a leather camera bag to replace his canvas one that was on its last leg. She had come up with the idea on her own, but Steve had made some helpful suggestions. 

They were in a jewelry store, about to leave after deciding on the bag, when Steve’s eyes landed on the rings and an idea popped into his head. Though he and Nancy had both been mortified earlier when the saleswoman asked if they were looking for engagement rings, he now asked about a simple silver ring – something that Billy would wear. 

Steve questioned the saleswoman about the price of the ring itself and how much it would be to get an engraving. Satisfied with the answer, he then told her what he would like, “Could I get that ring with ‘S’, a heart, and then ‘B’ on the inside?” 

“Do you know what size?” she asked with a big smile.

Looking at his own hands and trying to remember Billy’s, he figured that his index finger was about the same as Billy’s ring finger. He placed his hand on the counter with only the index finger extended and told the salesperson, “Probably this size.”

She had a look of puzzlement on her face but used her measurement tools to get the size. While she was busy with his finger, Steve questioned her, “How long would it take to get it sized and engraved?”

“Well with Christmas and all of our prior orders, it probably would not be ready until the 27th, at the earliest.”

Though it was only a little over a week away, it seemed like the distant future. He let out a sigh, contemplating his potential fate. “Would it be okay if someone else picked it up for me? If I’m unable to?”

She nodded. “I’d need a name though. And phone numbers.” Steve first gave his name and number and then asked Nancy if she’d be able to pick it up if he couldn’t. She stared intensely at him for a brief moment before nodding.

When he had finally completed the order, they left the jewelry store and were headed towards the next town over where they could purchase the camera bag. 

After driving a bit, Nancy commented, “It is really hard to see you like this, Steve. I know that after all we have experienced and seen in relation to the Upside Down, we are no longer the same people we were. But with you, I think that it’s evoked a sense of hopelessness and sadness, a darkness that the rest of us have moved past. I’ve felt it at times but I think it never leaves you, does that sound about right?”

Steve brought his head up, looked at Nancy through the rearview mirror, and nodded. 

Nancy continued, starting to tear up, “I think… that I’ve contributed to your sadness and that’s why it’s so painful for me to see you like this. Back when we were dating, you confessed all of your problems with your parents. That you constantly needed to be around people, even if they were assholes like Tommy H. and Carol, because otherwise the loneliness and isolation would get to you.”

She wiped tears from her eyes and started again, “ _I’m_ the reason why you aren’t friends with them anymore. Because of me, you lost your best friends. Jonathon and I were the only actual peers that you could talk to about the Upside Down, but I messed that up too. You had told me your deepest fears and I helped make them come true. I’m so sorry Steve, for leaving you alone.”

Steve shook his head. “No, no, no. I should have dropped those two assholes ages before you and I got together. And I know you and Jonathon would have listened and talked to me if I approached the two of you, but it was just too hard for me. I _chose_ my isolation. I intentionally try not to let people in. And the thing with the Upside Down, all of it just made everyday life seem irrelevant, meaningless. I had discovered that unless I was fighting some supernatural bullshit, my life lacked purpose.”

He continued, “The only person to blame on my problems is me. No one else, not you, not my parents, just me. I haven’t taken responsibility for my life; I’ve just coasted for most of it. But dealing with all the monsters and bullshit on top of getting to know all of you, I’ve learned that I’m not important in the grand scheme of things. And that’s okay, because you all are and I’m going to protect you all no matter what.”

They had pulled into a parking space in front of the leather store. Nancy sighed and shook her head, “Steve, you are unbelievably wrong. You _are_ important and –“

“Well we’re here, let’s go get Jonathon’s gift,” Steve interrupted her, not wanting to continue the conversation. She sighed but nodded. They both got out of the car and entered the shop where Nancy purchased a new camera bag for Jonathon.

After they returned to Hawkins, Nancy dropped Steve off at Robin’s house. He knocked on her door after hesitating for a moment, but could hear her yell from within, “I’ll get it! It’s for me!” She opened the door with a smile and slightly out of breath, she said, “So how much am I getting paid by the hour?”

Steve rolled his eyes but couldn’t help from smiling too. “Oh shut up and let me in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took so long to post this chapter! I'm going back to school and it's kept me quite busy. I'm not sure when I will be able to complete the next chapter (which may or may not be the last chapter) but I will try my best to work on it with any free time that I have! Thank you for reading!


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